FRANCIS GOES TO THE RACES (1951)

Taking up immediately where the original film ends, FRANCIS GOES TO THE RACES finds the kind-hearted dummy Peter Stirling (Donald O’Connor) and his shit-talking buddy Francis hanging out at a racetrack.  Peter has the hots for the granddaughter (Piper Laurie) of a local thoroughbred owner but he fails so fantastically at flirting with her that he ends up nearly being fitted for “cement slippers” by a local crime boss!  Francis has to save the day.

Obviously, FRANCIS GOES TO THE RACES isn’t going to be the height of Cinema, but for entertainment, I was completely satisfied.  And I was impressed by the performances of the entire cast.  Literally everybody played the entire thing straight.  The overall tone of the film felt serious and it worked because it made the shit-talking by Francis just that much more humorous.

The only negative thing I have to say about FRANCIS GOES TO THE RACES is early on in the film Francis wanted to split up with Peter.  That made me sad and really depressed, but eventually Francis changed his mind and they were buddies again.  That made me happy, but I was still sad.

I know this is dumb, but the shot at 1:30 of Francis and Peter walking down the road side-by-side reminded me of the original opening credits of The Andy Griffith Show made 9 years later.

Part 1 - Francis (1950)
Part 3 - Francis Goes to West Point (1952)
Part 4 - Francis Covers the Big Town (1953)
Part 5 - Francis Joins the WACS (1954)
Part 6 - Francis in the Navy (1955)
Part 7 - Francis in the Haunted House (1956)

THE CRAFT (1996)

Welcome 2 the witching hour, motherfucker.  One year before Buffy arrived at Sunnydale High, Sarah (Robin Tunney) arrives as a new student at a Los Angeles prep school.  Almost immediately she’s taken in by the local teenage witch coven.  Things happen and before you can say “Give me sum of dat Gargamel pussy!” they’re haphazardly firing off spells all over the joint.  Pew, pew, pew!  But, of course, we all know that casting spells around willy-nilly never works out well.

Witchcraft is fucking awesome.  High school is fucking awesome.  So, when you mix the two together, it’s just simple mathematics that the movie is going to be dope.  THE CRAFT is obviously dated, but the vintage clothes, weak special effects and cringe dialogue just add to the charm of the film.

Revisiting THE CRAFT again for this review, I was kinda surprised at how much Fairuza Balk carried the film.  I’m also surprised that nobody ever used her in a demon possession film.  Hell, maybe they did.  What do I know?  Strong supporting cast, weak main cast (outside of Fairuza and Neve Campbell), average direction, zero nudity, zero gore, a few cool spells but nothing super awesome, zero hardcore violence, DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE and PANTHER playing at the same movie theater we last saw in COLORS, weak usage of potentially awesome Los Angeles locations, weak soundtrack, zero time-travel, zero ninjas, average pace.  For grumpy old wizards like myself, THE CRAFT has a lot of nostalgic value, but younger apprentice wizards might find the entire thing to be weak.

Anyway, if you love old stuff like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed or Angel, then you should check out THE CRAFT.

[Post-review note: This has absolutely nothing to do with the review, but hundreds of years ago, I was talking to a stranger (who headbangs side-to-side) at a Cemetery Filth show.  In a moment of human weakness, I let down my guard and mentioned a secret thought that I have never told anybody before: I always see Eyehategod and THE CRAFT as being connected in my brain because I once saw Eyehategod and THE CRAFT was playing on a small TV above the bar.  The memory of that moment has always made me smile, but when I die, that nonsensical connection will be lost forever.

She then mentioned how that connection is now in her brain also.  I thought that was an incredibly sweet thing to say.  I’m sure that she was lying, since everything everybody says to me is a lie, but it was a nice gesture and one of the kindest lies anyone has told me in a very long time.  And now, you have that pointless connection in your brain too.

P.S. As I’m typing this, my furry lil boi Charlie is attempting to sneak up on me, but the morning Sun that he loves so much is betraying him since I can see his hunkered down shadow creeping up closer and closer.  Of course, I’ll still act surprised when he fin…AGGGHHHHGHH!!!]

Part 2 - The Craft: Legacy (2020)