MAD LOVE (1935)

Dr. Peter Lorre is smart as a bitch when it comes to medical shit, but hella cray when it comes to romance. So much so that he has a life-size wax replica of his favorite actress, Frances Drake, in his crib and each night he plays sweet slow jamz to it on his organ. That’s fairly harmless in a mentally unbalanced sort of way, but Fate has a monkey turd up its sleeve when Drake’s husband, the famous ivory-tickler Colin Clive, has his hands crushed in a train wreck.  Lorre is called in to perform a medical miracle by repairing Clive’s hands, but in reality, he secretly replaces Clive’s dickbeaters with those of a recently decapitated serial killer!  Sinister shenanigans ensue.

For a movie that's older than yer great-grandpappy's ballsack MAD LOVE is still moderately creepy, but for whatever reason, it's only 68 minutes long.  I mean, 68 minutes is definitely enough time to tell a story, but right when the movie felt like it was picking up pace..it ends!  And abruptly too.  Shit's popping off, Lorre's snarling like a maniac, Drake's fearing for her life, Clive's freaking out over his murdermittens and...The End.  It was strange.  I was totally expecting another 20 minutes or so.

Still, even with the stunted runtime, MAD LOVE is an entertaining film and 100% worth watching for classic horror fans.  Quick pace, solid direction by Karl Freund (who was the cinematographer for METROPOLIS and DRACULA), neat sets that (sadly) weren't featured enough onscreen, dramatic lighting, cinematography by Gregg Toland (who would go on to win an Oscar for WUTHERING HEIGHTS then work on some movie called CITIZEN KANE), impressive supporting cast (including Keye Luke and Ian Wolfe who both have insane filmographies lasting into the 1990's!), a ghoulish story and best of all...the three leads were all great.  Recommended.

ALIEN NATION (1988)

Buddy cop movies were all the rage in the 1980’s.  Back in 1988, the police couldn’t even throw an innocent minority (then plant drugs on them and falsely accuse them of a crime) without hitting an aspiring screenwriter trying to come up with a fresh take on the already over-saturated genre. At the same time, alien films are always popular, so, it’s not surprising that somebody decided to mash-up the two genres. Unfortunately, that endlessly promising mash-up idea ended up being the tremendously average ALIEN NATION.

The story, two LAPD homicide detectives (one alien, one human) conducting a murder investigation, has potential to be interesting, but it's not.  Not even close.  First off, the murder itself isn't very intriguing: the victim was shot to death during a botched convenience store robbery.  Yawn.  Secondly, there's very little backstory about the aliens or their technology: they were originally slave laborers on their home planet, they escaped and landed on Earth three years ago.  So, has mankind used the technology found on that spaceship to advance our own technology in the last three years?  Damn sure doesn't look like it.  Is the home planet still there?  Is there anybody hunting these migrants?  Thirdly, the aliens are boring!  They literally look just like humans except with a spotty bald head.  They act like humans, dress like humans, do all kinds of normal human stuff.  I mean the only real differences are they like different foods, their organs are arranged differently and they hate salt water because it is like an acid and will melt them.  Which brings us to the next subject...the big reveal is if the aliens take this certain alien drug it will give them above average strength to the point they have to be shot like 15 times to die.  Okay whatever, but they are still susceptible to salt water, so why not just fight the roided out aliens with salt water guns in addition to high-powered automatic rifles?  It's not like the drug turns them bulletproof or something!  I don't know, maybe I'm just overthinking the entire thing because I was so goddamn bored.

Average acting, unimaginative story, underutilized Los Angeles setting, boring action scenes, lame chase scene, hammy dialogue, zero nudity, zero blood, zero gore, heavy-handed message that goes nowhere, disappointing ending.  As far as eunuchly amazeballs buddy cop / immigration allegory films go, ALIEN NATION is a solid 5/10.  It's just entertaining enough to keep you watching the entire film and just disappointing enough that once the movie is over, you wish you had taken a power nap instead.  Skip it.

If you need me, I'll be in my room writing a fan fiction story about Dirty Harry being teamed up with Willie from V and Willie doing Freddy Krueger cosplay on the weekends.

Part 2 - Alien Nation: Dark Horizon (1994)
Part 3 - Alien Nation: Body and Soul (1995)
Part 4 - Alien Nation: Millennium (1996)
Part 5 - Alien Nation: The Enemy Within (1996)
Part 6 - Alien Nation: The Udara Legacy (1997)