POSSIBLY IN MICHIGAN (1983)

"Arthur longed for that sexual scent that smelled like home."

Unless you’re a highly paid film critic like myself, then there's little reason for you to sit through all of POSSIBLY IN MICHIGAN. Yeah, it’s only 12 minutes long (or 10:25 if you discount the end credits), but even then nothing cool happens after the first few minutes.

Two young women are at the mall doing a little shopping when they notice that they are being stalked by a creepy dude. Even worse...he’s not attractive! Barf. Instead of telling the suede/denim secret police that an uncool guy is breathing, they simply leave, but the unattractive guy follows them because he is longing “…for that sexual scent that smelled like home.” Sounds reasonable enough.

The first four minutes of POSSIBLY IN MICHIGAN are awesome and maybe even ahead of its time. Hell, I can’t think of anything off the top of my silly clowny clown clown head that was like it before 1983. That said, the rest of the film was like watching a recording of a boring dream that I forgot about because it was so boring.

As far as the story goes, I’m not even going to attempt to tell you what it means. I have no clue. The acting is what it is and the look of the film is fun to watch. Overall, I’m very happy that POSSIBLY IN MICHIGAN was made. (I was even fortunate enough recently to see it in a movie theater.) If you have a curious nature, then the first half is perfect enough to endure the boredom of the second half.

FRANCIS GOES TO WEST POINT (1952)

"Drop dead."

After literally murdering people together in part 1 and then nearly being fitted for “cement slippers” while taking on the mob in part 2, wise ass Francis the shit-talking mule and dim-witted Peter Stirling (Donald O’Connor) appear to be living a quiet life in an unnamed city. Peter works at a factory (doing what, I have no fucking clue) while Francis goes around town ease dropping on people. One tidbit of info he hears is that some Uncle Sam haters are going to blow up the factory Peter works at. Francis tells Peter and Peter somehow saves the day, despite being a dumbfuck. As a reward, twenty-six year-old Peter is accepted into West Point military academy. Naturally, Francis shows up and becomes a school mascot, an assistant football coach and a French language tutor. He's even offered a job as a professor at one point! Along the way there’s some kind of mistaken ID bullshit going around (thanks to Peter illegally reading other people’s mail) that might cause West Point to lose the Army-Navy football game.

As far as the Francis films go, WEST POINT is alright. I enjoyed the quick pace, the interesting faces (including James Best and David Janssen as upperclassmen) and the neat old footage of the actual West Point, but once again I was depressed at how easily Francis and Peter accept leaving each other. It happened a few times in this film and really bummed me out. I was also disappointed in how cheap the whole thing looked. All of the scenes set outside on the West Point campus looked to be filmed in front of a screen. I don’t know why, but I was kinda looking forward to scenes of Peter and Francis running around the West Point grounds together. Maybe trying to solve a murder or tract down a werewolf or bust an illegal moonshine ring ran by witches! Anything. How about some illegal DVD bootleggers from the early 2000’s time travel back to West Point in order to hide their stash, but then a freshman plebe finds a copy of COOL AS ICE and starts telling everybody he’s gonna “uh, schling a schlong” and about how his homeboy’s bike is trippin. So now Francis and Peter have gotta stop being zeroes and start being heroes in order to save the day. Hyfgcv oikl [My cat, Charlie, just stepped on the keyboard while trying to get my attention, so I’m leaving that in.]

Alright, well, I do have more to say, but Charlie wants to play, so I gotta go. Nobody reads this shit anyway. But yeah, it’s a silly film. I enjoyed it. It was a lot of fun to yell at the TV while watching.  I think I talked shit the entire movie.

Part 1 - Francis (1950)
Part 2 - Francis Goes to the Races (1951)
Part 4 - Francis Covers the Big Town (1953)
Part 5 - Francis Joins the WACS (1954)
Part 6 - Francis in the Navy (1955)
Part 7 - Francis in the Haunted House (1956)