MONSTER MAN (2003)

Two annoying hyperdouchers, who cannot die soon enough, are on a road trip (on a backroad that seems to get very little traffic) when they're revved up on by a post-apocalyptic-looking monster truck. Later on, they’re joined by a hitchhiker. It’s exciting stuff.

I can only assume that MONSTER MAN was made as a JEEPERS CREEPERS clone. If so, then that’s cool, because JC wasn’t very good and it would therefore be an easy idea to improve upon. Or so you would think. I originally saw MONSTER MAN, back when it was a New Release on DVD, and (I think) I remember kinda liking it. (I most likely did because I own an ancient copy of it.) But time hasn’t been kind to MM and sitting through it again for this review was a fucking chore. Mainly because the two main characters are insufferable. Especially the dude named Harley. He wasn’t on the screen for even 15 seconds before I wanted to dropkick his goofy ass into the Creeper’s dead body pipe hole.

Slow pace, extremely annoying dialogue, zero nudity, very little blood or gore, most of the movie tinted in a weird orange and/or blue filter, overacting galore, weak direction, a very dude-heavy cast, disappointing ending, a lot of lines delivered as though they were jokes even though they weren’t funny…so maybe MONSTER MAN is actually a horror comedy? Fuck, I don’t know. I do know that I didn’t laugh at all and spent most of my time just wishing something would goddamn happen. It never did.

MONSTER MAN isn't a bad film as much as it's just a nothing film. Like, what’s even the artistic point of making a JEEPERS CREEPERS rip-off if all you’re gonna do is make an even shittier, weaker version?

Watch it if you want, just don't expect much.

HARDBODIES (1984)

Three middle-aged men (a.k.a. “fossils”) rent a beach house in order to hook up with young women. They strike out non-stop, so they hire a local young stud to mentoring them in the fine art of picking up women. A Doctorate of Poon Handling (PhD), if you will.

That’s really about it. Back in the 1980’s I remember HARDBODIES being known for the impressive amount of topless nudity it has, but re-visiting it now, it’s kinda funny just how “Eighties” this film is. The clothing, the cars, the food prices, the simplicity of the story, the careless lives of the characters, zero repercussions for anything. It’s all just so carefree. I don’t know, it’s not a big deal just something that I couldn’t shake while watching it again. The other thing that struck me was just how extreme the character shift was for the guy Hunter. Dude was a nerd when we first meet him, then towards the end of the movie he suddenly turns into a total sleazebag. I know it was done in order to introduce some conflict, but damn, that dude sucked. Then again, he did sexually assault a young woman early in the film when he was acting like a store mannequin, so I guess that was foreshadowing.

Zero jokes that were actually funny (outside of the one guy randomly yelling “Fart! Fart! Fart! Fart!” at the party), a least three familiar faces from the FRIDAY THE 13TH series, a tasteless joke about a man in a wheelchair falling into the ocean, lots and lots and lots of white people everywhere.

For a brainless mid-80's sex comedy HARDBODIES is pretty standard and worth checking out for anybody curious about it. The only thing that I really dislike is having the three fossils as main characters. The story would have been much more playful and engaging with three younger dudes trying to get laid. Nobody who watches sex comedies wants to see old people. Yuck.

Part 2 - Hardbodies 2 (1986)

Apparently actor Michael Rapport is a comedian.