DHOOM 2 (2006)

 "Find a place to hide...because once I'm done with you, you'll are done for!"

A is the world's "coolest" thief. Jai is the world's greatest cop, no word yet on if he's the "coolest" or not, but his partner Ali is definitely the dorkiest!  Together these two nerds team up with the hot Sonali and to try and capture A, but this dude has more tricks up his sleeve than the 4,000-tentacled love child of Houdini and Cthulhu. He's a master of disguise, can jump 20 feet straight into the air, rollerblade faster than cars on the highway, dodge bullets, surf out of a desert, dance like a motherfucker, skydive all over the joint, collect antique coins, drink lots of Coke, play Russian roulette, give smouldering looks, jump a helicopter on his motorcycle, cook and...he has three thumbs!!!

Somewhere along the way A teams up with the sexy Sunehri (who likes to say her own name), but there's really no need to go any further into the plot, because it's all so illogical that you can't do anything but stare at the screen in total disbelief. The entire 152 minutes movie is just a long stylized-to-the-max action scene/music video intercut with slow-motion shots of people playing basketball in the rain or walking really cool with the wind blowing their hair. In other words...it's fucking awesome!!!

Sadly there's no nudity, cussing or actual gritty violence, but still, DHOOM 2 is a fun and goofy film that's a blast to watch and laugh at.  Which brings to mind...even though I've seen DHOOM 2 like a dozen times I've never even seen the original DHOOM.  Guess I'll have to go take care of that right now!

[Update 07/18/16: Tried to watch the original and I only got 45 minutes in after two sittings!  I'll never finish it.  Skip it.]

Part 1 - Dhoom (2004)
Part 3 - Dhoom 3 (2013)

THE HILLS HAVE EYES PART II (1984)

The most shocking thing about THE HILLS HAVE EYES PART II is that it was written and directed by Wes Craven.  Usually when somebody comes along and shits, pisses and hadoukens their farts all over the original it's just a hack cashing in on a quick payday.  But no, Wes Craven wrote and directed this turd bucket himself.  I can only imagine what kind of drama went on behind the scenes for him to end up with a turkey like this the same year he also made the legendary A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.

After a quick opening scene with one of the annoying survivors of the original snoozefest talking to a shrink, we're introduced to a new cast of annoying characters.  I would love to line up these suckers up and then run by with my hand out slapping them all in the face Three Stooges-style.  Wack, wack, wack, wack, wack...!!!  The main girl is a blind chick who's boyfriend is a motocross rider.  Him and his buddies are running late for a motorcycle race so they (along with some girls) take their bus on a shortcut through the desert.  And, as I'm sure you've already guessed, the bus breaks down.  Soon the cannibals show up...all two of them.

I could bitch about how there was only two cannibals, but instead, I'll bitch about how needlessly stupid the story is.  First off, one of the girls in the victim group just happens to be one of the cannibals from the original film!  I'm not saying it was the same actress in a different role, but it was one of the actual cannibal family members!  She ran away after Part 1, became a productive member of society and then ends up in Part II breaking down in her old hunting grounds.  What an idiot!  Why was she even within a thousand miles of those psychos?!  Another, maybe even stupider, thing is the fucking dog from the original film is also on the bus and he has a flashback back to when he bit Michael Berryman's foot!!!  Completely ridiculous.

Slow pace, zero gore, zero blood, unsexy topless scene, boring kills, weak special effects, stupid ending, lots of pointless chatter, music that sounds a whole lot like the music from FRIDAY THE 13TH, a dork riding a motorcycle into a stack of empty cardboard boxes, a guy violently jumping through a window for no reason, one shot (where the dog runs off) that looks like it was filmed in the daytime but the sky was literally painted black in the film!  Skip this piece of fuck and forget it even exists.

Part 1 - THE HILLS HAVE EYES (1977)
Remake - THE HILLS HAVE EYES (2006)
Remake sequel - THE HILLS HAVE EYES II (2007)