SKI PARTY (1965)

Shoehorned between the superior BEACH BLANKET BINGO and the lame HOW TO STUFF A WILD BIKINI (all three were released within three months of each other!), SKI PARTY tells the completely nonsensical tale of two friends, Frankie Avalon and Dwayne Hickman, who, instead of simply talking to the two girls they like, go through a ridiculous amount of trouble to try and hook up with them.

After a "failed" date at a drive-in, the two boys tag along on a school skiing trip that the girls are going on.  Nothing wrong with that.  Things seem to be going well, but then when the boys realize that they don't know how to ski...they, for whatever insane movie logic reason, decide to dress up like women!  And to compound the problem, the most popular boy in school now has the major hots for the female version of Dwayne!  It's actually kinda funny.  Also, Frankie Avalon enters a ski jumping contest in order to impress Bobbie Shaw, who he's been fake-flirting with in order to make the girl he secretly likes jealous!  That's right...instead of simply saying "I like you." to the the girl he likes, he follows her to another state, temporarily impersonates being a woman, fakes liking another girl and then enters a ski jumping contest to impress the girl he doesn't like.  With writing like that I guess it shouldn't surprise you that James Brown & The Famous Flames show up as a ski patrol.

Wacky story, some really good songs, beautiful locations in Sun Valley, Idaho and on Santa Monica Beach, California, humorous "breaking the 4th wall" moment, charmingly terrible special effects, Dick Miller in a small role as a taxi driver, lots of attractive girls in the background, brief Annette Funicello appearance as a college professor and the end credits promise of a "Cruise Party" movie that sadly never happened.

Attentive viewers will notice that in SKI PARTY Frankie Avalon and Dwayne Hickman's characters are named Todd Armstrong and Craig Gamble, but in the same years DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE BIKINI MACHINE Frankie Avalon and Dwayne Hickman character's names are switched.  Meaning Frankie is Todd in this film, but Craig in DGATBM and Dwayne is Craig here, but Todd in DGATBM.

STARRY EYES (2014)

"This industry is a plague Sarah, a plague of unoriginality..."

Yawn.  A young woman in Los Angeles wants to be a popular actress.  She hasn't had any success so far, so she's understandably excited when she gets a callback from a recent audition.  Trouble is, they're actually mysterious Satan worshipers out to...uhhh, well, fuck, I don't know.  Do they want her soul?  If so, they go through a lot of trouble for just one soul.  Are they going to use her as a vessel to seduce other people into Satan's open arms?  If so, does it work?  Cause we never see shit on screen.  Have they done this before?  Cause there's zero explanation as to where this cult(?) originated.  Did she truly realize what she was getting herself into?  Cause all I saw was her agreeing to suck some old dude's ping-ding, then the next thing you know is she's all nasty-looking and barfing up maggots.  Also...What is the end game for this whole plan?  Do they have supernatural powers?  Is she the only one they're currently messing with?  How many people are involved with this group?  How high up does this conspiracy go?  Is this how Seth Rogen got his start?

Whatever, I don't even care.  I went into STARRY EYES hoping for an entertaining movie and ended up struggling just to make it to the end of this dreamy snoozer.  Slow pace with no payoff, mild blood, one mild topless scene, thinly-constructed characters that I didn't care about, low-budget outdoor scenes that are void of people, okay acting, lots of darkly lit scenes, zero tension.

With a bigger budget and a script that actually goes somewhere the idea used for STARRY EYES could be entertaining, but, as it is, it's just meh.

Neville Brand in EVILS OF THE NIGHT.

CITY ON FIRE (1979)

The star-studded cast can't hide the fact that the story for this movie suuuuuccckkkks.  After being introduced to all of the (bland) characters, we're finally treated to this nameless city blowing the fuck up (thanks to a disgruntled oil refinery employee) and...it's pretty boring.  Poorly photographed explosions mixed in with stock footage.  The story eventually focuses in on some firemen's efforts to rescue the people trapped in a hospital and...that's boring as well.  In fact, there's nothing about CITY ON FIRE that isn't boring!  Boring script, boring special effects, boring photography, boring acting.  I really enjoy disaster movies, but CITY ON FIRE straight-up bored me to death.  Which is a shame since Henry Fonda and Shelley Winters are both amazing talents (just watch MISTER ROBERTS or A PLACE IN THE SUN if you don't believe me), but they are strictly on auto-pilot here.  Collecting a paycheck.

Outside of morbid curiosity or self-hatred, I can't think of too many reasons to ever subject yourself to this overcooked turkey.  Skip it with a vengeance.

According to Box Office Mojo, CITY ON FIRE cost $5.3 million to make and only brought in $784,000.  That's kinda funny.

Eating egg shells.