CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH (1986)

"God bless America...limp dick!"

 

Whenever I watch a Troma movie (and thank Satan that's not very often) the only thing that I can think of the entire movie is "Somebody got paid actual money to write this shit?!".  I'm obviously not the target audience for whatever this movie is.

CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH is about a high school next to a leaky nuclear plant in New Jersey. The ooze and radiation causes the students to start mutating with the expected results. For such an promising set up, the movie is a massive letdown mainly due to the fact it looks so goddamn shitty!  It'd probably make a better novel. Also there's way too much time wasted on the normal crappy Troma one-liners and corny humor.

CONEH is better than the stuff Troma would make later on, but it's still shit. The acting is over the top, the violence is silly, the nudity is lame, the special effects are terrible.

Skip it.

Part 2 - Class of Nuke 'em High Part II: Subhumanoid Meltdown (1991)
Part 3 - Class of Nuke 'em High Part 3: The Good, the Bad and the Subhumanoid (1994)
Part 4 - Return to Nuke 'em High Volume 1 (2013)
Part 5 - Return to Return to Nuke 'em High aka Vol. 2 (2017)

WITHOUT WARNING (1980)

[Update 03/02/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

I'm not sure where, but somewhere along the way I got it into my handsome brain that this was an action-packed alien invasion extravaganza, but I was obviously incorrect because this movie is boring as a bitch!

A tall alien (who gets maybe two minutes of screen time) is lurking around out in the woods hunting humans. His only weapon is a kind of parasite/frisbee that he throws at people. It latches on and bites you to death or something. That sounds exciting, but it's not because the vast majority of the movie is people wandering around talking and talking and talking.

The cast is impressive (Martin Landau, Neville Brand, Jack Palance, Ralph Meeker and David Caruso), but you've got to give them something to do. I'd be more interested in seeing what went on behind the scenes...I can just see Jack Palance snarling grizzledly while arm-wrestling Neville Brand as Landau laughed maniacally in the corner. It would have been awesome!!!

Zero nudity, almost zero action, really short shorts on David Caruso, lots of scenes shot in the dark, completely random PSYCHO reference. Skip it. The only reason to watch this movie is the scene where Jack Palance charges the alien while yelling "ALLLLLIIIIEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNN!!!!".

Could David Caruso's shorts be any shorter?!

THE TOWN (2010)

A bank robber (with a heart of gold) falls in love with a woman (with a heart of gold) and even though he wants to go straight, he can't because he's too deep into the hoodlum lifestyle. That's the story to about 66 million crime/film noir movies over the years. Still, for some reason, despite the unoriginal story, the two dimensional characters and the pedestrian direction I liked this movie. I guess I just like this story.

Ben Affleck plays Ben Affleck with a Irish accent. He was raised in a shitty neighborhood and now he's a bank robber. During one robbery they kidnap a girl then let her go on the other side of town. He fears that she can I.D. them, so he goes to see what she knows. They instantly fall in love. Didn't see that coming.  [Rolls handsome eyeballs.]  When he's not all blinking butterfly lasers at her over pineapple pizza he's out robbing shit and shooting cops.

Entertaining shootouts, exciting car chase, zero nudity, lots of cussing, endless macho posturing. Enjoyable movie, worth a watch, but we've seen it all before.