SECTOR 7 (2011)

Next time you hear somebody talking shit about Michael Bay just point them in the direction of SECTOR 7. The shear over the top ridiculousness of this film makes Bay's ARMAGEDDON look almost quaint.

The story is about the crew of an offshore drilling platform (there's only like 10 people, I would imagine it takes much more to keep one of those things going) versus a monster. When the film opens, they don't know about the monster so they have time to do shit like cooking out and motorcycle racing. Finally the monster shows up and it looks like a giant mutated seal with tentacles! Later on when it gets burned up it looks like a mutated buffalo wing! Also it roars nonstop. It could have killed these losers a dozen times over if it would've quit roaring every five seconds. So for the remainder of the movie it roars its way around the platform nonstop until I wanted to commit suicide. The level of shittiness in this movie is beyond my writing skill to explain.

The story goes nowhere, there was so much CG bullshit going on they might as well just made the movie animated, sensitive music, terrible acting, crappy rock music, slow motion sensitive scenes, silly looking monster, zero nudity, zero gore, zero blood, zero suspense, zero fucks given about making a good movie. Skip the fuck out of this job monster turkey.

If you need me I'll be in my room watching THE ABYSS.

I thought you needed eye protection while welding?

HUMAN PORK CHOP (2001)

When I sat down to watch this film I was guessing from the title that it was going to be about some THE UNTOLD STORY-style restaurant serving human pork chops, but no. Instead, the story is about a prostitute who steals money from her pimp.  When he and his two henchmen catch up with her, they hold her hostage in their shitty apartment and torture her to death over the course of a month. Sounds gruesome and in the hands of the right director this story would be absolutely devastating. Unfortunately, Benny Shun was not the right director because this movie ate more dicks than a cannibal at a Richard Convention.

To begin with it's hard to believe HUMAN PORK CHOP was made in 2001. If it wasn't for the cell phones I would have guessed the mid-80's! Added to the dated look of the film, there's zero nudity, the pace is yawn inducing and the violence looks like crap! Yeah, the bad guys are mean-spirited assholes, but the audience is too busy giggling at the middle school level special effects to be disturbed by anything that's going on onscreen. Also, the flashbacks were distracting.

After watching the film I found out HUMAN PORK CHOP is actually based on a real life murder: the 1999 "Hello Kitty Murder". And there's another film, THERE IS A SECRET IN MY SOUP, based on the same crime.  Maybe that movie is better, but I honestly don't care enough to find out.

Skip the shit out it and never look back.

SANJURO (1962)

The movie gods were pretty good to us back in 1962. Not only did they give us THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE and WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE? they also gave us SANJURO. The lighter and more action packed sister film to the previous years YOJIMBO. Once again the story starts with a nameless drifter samurai innocently wandering to ongoing feud. And once again the main bad guy is played by the brilliant Tatsuya Nakadai!

The film opens with nine inexperienced samurai secretly talking about corruption in the leadership of their clan. They think it's one dude, but then Toshiro who was trying to sleep in the other room enters. He overheard their conversation and suggests that it's actually another person who is the corrupt official. They get all pissed over over this accusation, then suddenly the building is surrounded by men wanting to kill them. They hide as Toshiro goes outside and faces the massive group alone. After an awesome fight, the leader of the group (Nakadai) calls off his men and invites Toshiro to join them. This proves that he was correct. The samurai are extremely grateful to him and he agrees to help them solve their problem. Lots of sword fighting and asskicking follows.

I don't even know what else to say, SANJURO like YOJIMBO is a awesome movie and a lot of fun to watch. Once again Mifune and Nakadai lead the pact, but the entire cast is great. The story is straightforward, the direction is excellent and the look of the entire film is perfect. And that final boss fight...holy shit!!!! If I'd seen that scene in the theater back in 1962 I would have probably popped three boners, shit myself and passed out at all at the same time.

Highly recommended. Double feature it with YOJIMBO.