FANTASY ISLAND (2020)

I dislike this movie. Not because it's a bad movie (I can deal with that), but because it had the impressive idea of turning the Fantasy Island story into a horror movie and then…did absolutely nothing with it! A talented group of writers could run with this idea forever. There’s no end to the insane things that could go on: zombies, wokalars, zombie wokalars, cannibals, millions of bizarre kink fetishes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer in The Walking Dead universe, Jack the Ripper versus Midsomer Murders on the Titanic, dogs and cats living together, Saw versus Fast and Furious, Chucky at the Gettysburg Address…it could go on for eternity!! So, with trillions of awesome story ideas at their disposal, what did the filmmakers choose as their introductory story to really grab the audience’s attention and get this sucker to be the start of a multi-billion dollar horror franchise?! I bet it’s gonna be zombies attacking a nudist colony next to a chainsaw factory! I’m so excited!!!

Oh. It’s just your standard, zero imagination, soulless bullshit about an annoying group of ultra-douchers who show up to a tropical island resort with some lame ass fantasies.  Then the unremarkable guy who runs the island does some kind of weakass Wishmaster shenanigans and twists their already boring fantasies into, I guess, a horror fantasy or something.  I don't know.  This entire movie is a fucking mess.  I don't even think it can even be correctly categorized as "horror".

Zero nudity, zero scares, crap direction, a beautiful island setting somehow presented in the blandest way possible, very little blood or violence, a convoluted story that I wanted to drop a krampus on, lifeless acting by a forgettable cast (Michael Rooker had a small part, but was wasted), dead pacing because nothing ever happened the entire movie. Honestly, I cannot even think of a single reason to waste your time on this stinker. You'll lie on your death bed and regret it. Skip it.

DEMOLITION MAN (1993)

"...shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball-brained, duck-fucking..."

In 1996 things are going to be all kinds of fucked up. Crime rate through the roof, dogs and cats not living together, Will Smith having the #1 movie at the yearly box office…it’s going to be a real shitshow. Luckily though, we have bungee-jumping maniac cop, John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone), to save the day by going into a building to save some hostages after they’ve been murdered and then accidentally destroying the bodies by provoking the bad guy, Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes), into blowing up the building. Long story short, both Spartan and Phoenix get sentenced to lengthy stints in the new “California Cryo-Penitentiary”. Fast-forward to 2032 and the Los Angeles area is now a Pleasantville/1984-style hell paradise with zero crime, rat burgers and Dan Cortese playing piano at Taco Bell. It’s a real shitshow. Phoenix is thawed out for a parole hearing and promptly escapes, so thanks to being unable to deal with actual crime, the police also thaw out legendary crime fighter Spartan to help bring Phoenix to justice. It’s all just an elaborate excuse to have Stallone and Snipes beating the crap out of each other in the future…and it works because DEMOLITION MAN is fun from beginning to end.

Cheesy script, cheesy direction, campy dialogue, horrible subtitles on the DVD that are often incorrect, goofy prediction of what the future will be like, a brief Jack Black sighting, topless woman video calling the wrong number, a museum with functioning weapons, three seashells, ugly ass futuristic cars, a lot of dark coloured clothing, virtual sex, medium pace, mild violence, strong supporting cast, a disappointingly inconstant foul language counting machine, boring camerawork.

DEMOLITION MAN is very dated, but still a fun ride. Especially for fans of 1990's action movies. A good lazy afternoon time-waster. It might even be a good double-feature with the superior CLIFFHANGER, if you're in the mood for a little 1993-era Sylvester Stallone.

If you need me, I'll be in my room applying Baby Yoda Band-Aids to my battered butthole after an unfortunate seashell accident.

CREEPSHOW 2 (1987)

Remember that scene in SILVER BULLET where the drunk dad was watching wrasslin’ on TV and the one wrestler kicked the other one in the nuts and the drunk dad yelled out “Ow!  That's it.  Oh, that hurt my parts!”? Well, that’s how I felt watching this dick-kickin' collection of short stories.

Old Chief Wood’nhead

Why not start out the movie with easily the worst story?  That's always a good idea. An older couple live in an small desert town that has dried up and blown away. They run a dilapidated general store with an old wooden Indian standing outside. One evening, three local low-life’s come in and rob the place. Killing the couple in the process. This pisses off the wooden Indian (not enough to stop the crime obviously) and he says “Two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it.” and kills the criminals in boring ways.  Skip it.

The Raft

The highlight of this turd fest.  Four boring, twenty-something year-old teenagers drive out to a remote watering hole to smoke weed and swim. Once there, they swim out to a stationary raft in the middle of the lake and before you can say "They should make a sequel to THE HORSE WHISPERER called THE HORSE WHISPERER 2: THE SHIT-TALKER where all the horse whisperer does is saunter up to the horse and talk hella shit right in its ear 'Listen here, you carrot-chewing motherfucker...' and '...you know that glue factory down the road?'  Stuff like that." they discover the lake is also home to a floating garbage bag.  It swims around the raft at about the speed on a one-legged duck (0.5 duck knots) and somehow manages to pick off these idiots one at a time.  Yawn.  THE BLOB it's not.

The Hitch-hiker

A cheating wife is rushing home from the filming of Boner Jams 87' in order to beat her husband who’s been away at work, when she runs over a hitchhiker. She ain’t got time for that shit and leaves him to bleed out on the side of the road. Next thing you know, the hitchhiker (or his ghost or whatever) is hanging all over her car yelling out "Thanks for the ride, lady!" over and over and over. His body getting more and more mutilated as she smashes him into a tree and even shoots him a few times. I remember thinking this was extremely funny when I was teenager, but I must have been drinking mushroom Kool-Aid or high because I didn’t find it funny at all now as a handsome adult. Then again, I’m grumpy as fuck. Grrr!

In conclusion, CREEPSHOW 2 is underwhelming and boring. I’m sure the filmmakers intentions were in the right place and they didn’t mean to relentlessly turbo shit mad dookie diarrhea poo-poo (with just a squirt of pee-pee) all over the audiences eyeballs, but they did and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. Skip it. Unless you're drinking mushroom Kool-Aid, because then apparently it's hilarious. "Thanks for the ride, lady!"

Part 1 - Creepshow (1982)
Part 3 - Creepshow 3 (2006)