Wednesday, February 15, 2023

FLATLINERS (1990)

Four beautiful people and Oliver Platt decide to explore the mysteries of death (and the possibility of an afterlife) by committing temporary suicide in a construction site.  Things go about as well as you would expect.  That's right, a ghost tells Kevin Bacon that his breath smells like "buffalo farts".

For a late 1980's / early 1990's studio thriller, FLATLINERS is alright.  I guess.  The story is worthless, but the big name cast makes it an interesting cinematic novelty.  There's also a lot of big hair and brown clothing.  Slow pace, dramatic movie lighting overload, lots of wind blowing around (even inside buildings), the world's most useless window shades, lame ending that leaves the viewer completely unsatisfied, a Cure poster, really boring ghosts, really boring story, a few split second glimpses of nudity, really boring characters that don't seem like actual humans just characters in a movie. The ghost of an injured dog. I didn't care for that at all.

If you're looking for a movie that fits the definition of 5/10, then FLATLINERS would be a good choice.  The movie you create in your head when initially hear the brief synopsis "Five medical students try to discover what is beyond death by creating near-death experiences." is way more exciting than what actually happens onscreen.  Honestly, probably 6.66 days after you watch FLATLINERS you won't even remember that you watched it.  Innocent (and loin-meltingly handsome) movie critic accidentally creates a near-coma experience by watching FLATLINERS.  Amirite?

Oh well. Watch it if you want. I don't give a fuck. If you need me, I'll be in a my room watching FINAL DESTINATION 2.

Remake - Flatliners (2017)

Monday, February 6, 2023

METEOR (1979)

A pissed off comet punches a large asteroid in the nuts and now that 5-mile-wide sucker (plus various smaller fragments) is going to hit the Earth in 6 days! Ahh, crap. Luckily, the Americans have a top-secret satellite with 14 nuclear missiles on it. Unfortunately, 14 missiles isn’t enough to stop the asteroid from evolving into a…meteor!!!

On paper, METEOR sounds like a promising film: exciting story (anything about shit crashing into the Earth is awesome); a cast full of well-known faces (at least for the time) and a respectable budget of $16 million (remember ALIEN came out the same year and only cost $11 million). But on paper doesn’t guarantee on-screen excellence. Nope. I have no clue what happened in the making of this clunker, but METEOR is a goddamn turd! I haven’t been this disappointed since the last time I walked into a Best Buy.

The story takes off quickly enough with Hercules satellite designer Sean Connery being informed of the asteroid and put in charge of getting Hercules ready to blast that global killing son of a bitch out of the sky. At the same time, US President Henry Fonda gets Russia to admit that they also have a top-secret satellite armed with nuclear missiles. So the Russians send over a scientist and Sean Connery immediately starts trying to bang interpreter Natalie Wood. Motherfucker, ain’t you got better shit to focus on?! Blah, blah, blah, it goes on and on with all kinds of conversations and romance and bickering. Fuck me. I just want to see some sappy ass heroics and shit blowing up. And don’t even get me started on the special effects. Buck Rogers in the 25th Century looked better.

Long story, short: METEOR is mildly entertaining and fun to laugh at, but if you’re looking for an actually good late-1970’s asteroid story then A FIRE IN THE SKY would be a better bet. Or, you could always just say fuck it and watch ARMAGEDDON again for the hundredth time.