8MM (1999)

Private dick Nicholas Cage is hired by a wealthy widow to discover the origin of a seemingly one-of-a-kind snuff film she found in her recently deceased husband’s private safe. Following the lead of the physical film stock itself and some missing persons resources, Cage soon finds himself in the seedy underbelly of Los Angeles. While there he teams up with porn store cashier Joaquin Phoenix. Together, Dick Cage and Porno Boy visit multiple top secret underground porno flea markets and watch pornographic VHS tapes together. Eventually, Cage ends up in a house by the cemetery that is decorated inside with not one, but two Danzig posters.

For an older film, 8MM has aged alright. I originally saw it opening weekend and remember smirking at Cage’s over exaggerated cringes when he first watches the snuff film and the goofy sanitized portrayal of porn.  But, I guess, my handsome brain has chilled out over the decades cuz this time around I found the film to be a solid 6 / 10.

Medium pace, promising mystery plot device that fizzles out, impressive cast, disappointing final act that isn’t even close to being as fucked up as it should have been, drug out ending that goes on for too long, surprisingly very little nudity, incorrect subtitles on the blu-ray, questionable musical choices, a small amount of blood, zero gore, no cheerleaders, a Jane’s Addiction shirt, good acting that sometimes teeters on overacting.

There are many ways that 8MM could have been a better film, but for what it is, it’s an okay time-waster. I double-featured it with PRETTY WOMAN (true story, just in case there's a Las Vegas betting line on what my next review will be), but it’d probably make a better double-feature with A SERBIAN FILM or even season 1 of True Detective.

REMO WILLIAMS: THE ADVENTURE BEGINS (1985)

New York City cop Fred Ward is murdered while on duty and then unmurdered by a secret government agency. He’s given a new face and then shacked up with a crazy dude who beats the crap out of him 24/7, compares him to a clubbed-footed baboon and shoots a gun at him while he does chores. Somehow this eventually trains him to be a badass or something. I don’t know.

True story: I remember being a little girl and excitedly getting my mom to rent REMO WILLIAMS for me when it was still a new release at the video store.  Then later that evening after watching it, I stood up and passionately cried out with the intensity of 1,000 pregnant yaks all giving birth at once, “I hereby declare this movie to be hella unslay!” That was around 1986 and I still stand by that statement.

Medium paced story that never really goes anywhere, boring action scenes, average acting, zero gore, zero nudity, zero blood, zero cheerleaders, corny comedy bullshit that’s not even close to being funny, impressive cast full of familiar faces. I’m sure the filmmakers had their hearts in the right place, but it’s just a dull movie.