THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM (1991)

The Spanish Inquisition was one of the most horrible periods in human history and for a low budget 90's flick THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM does a pretty good job of capturing (at least on a small scale) that period's awfulness and perversion of power.

Spain 1492, a innocent baker and his wife get caught up in a crowd of people rushing to see a witch burned. They don't want to be there, but when they try to leave they are forced back. The baker's hot wife shows sympathy for the accused witch and in doing so is arrested for witchcraft herself. Once inside the prison the Grand Inquisitor (played perfectly by Lance Henriksen) falls into his perverse version of love with her and starts acting even crazier than he already was! Outside the prison the baker is desperate to save his wife so he finds a way to sneak into the prison. I won't give away anymore, but it's pretty exciting and a lot of fun to watch.

Like I said, this is a low budget film so the sets aren't the greatest and the special effects are a little weak, but don't let that scare you off cause the story is compelling and the cast is pretty impressive: Lance Henriksen, Jeffery Combs, Oliver Reed, Mark Margolis, Frances Bay and Tom Towles. Also, the director is the guy who made DAGON, FROM BEYOND and RE-ANIMATOR.

Check it out!

GOING APE! (1981)

The owner of a popular circus dies. He leaves his prized orangutans (three of them) to his adult son, Tony Danza. He also leaves $5 million with the stipulation that if any of the three orangutans die then the money goes to a local evil zoological society. Naturally, the evil zoological society hires some bumbling assassins to murder one of the apes. All kinds of wacky hijinks ensue like people falling off a building into a large fountain, car chases and a food fight.

If you’re already familiar with early 1980’s comedies, then you probably have a pretty good idea what you’re gonna get with a (family?) movie called GOING APE! Zero nudity, cheap laughs, average acting, dumb as hell story, moderate pace. Overall, the entire thing is just kinda blah. I found my handsome brain wandering a lot. Also, I really disliked the scene with the younger orangutan tied to a log and going towards a large saw blade. I know that it’s acting, but still, this is a comedy and the image of a baby going towards a saw upset me.

Worth watching, I guess, if you’re interested in earlier stuff by Danny DeVito or Jessica Walter, but I just found it forgettable. I did enjoy the vintage Los Angeles scenery and the multiple familiar faces in supporting roles including Al Leong, Ted White, Frank Sivero, and Art Metrano.

THE THAW (2009)

THE THAW isn't a bad film or a good film, it's just a nothing film. The story is lifted straight from the 1982 version of THE THING. All they did was remove the snow, the tension, the cool FX, the creepy monsters, the interesting alien storyline and Kurt Russell then replaced it with a bloated Val Kilmer, 90's cable level CGI effects, less snow, lame insect "monsters" and a heavy-handed global warming due to human pollution theme.

Scientists up north somewhere find a woolly mammoth (thanks to the global warming) and start studying it. That's all fine and dandy until they discover it's full of some centipede/cockroach-looking parasites that like to dig their way into you then start laying eggs all up in yo shit. That actually sounds cool, but in reality the whole thing is bland as fuck.

If you're really, really bored then check it out, but with little violence, a lame political message, no tits and a lame monster there's very zero reason to waste your time with this frozen turkey.  If you need me, I'll be in my room watching "Fortitude".