THE CRAFT (1996)

Welcome 2 the witching hour, motherfucker.  One year before Buffy arrived at Sunnydale High, Sarah (Robin Tunney) arrives as a new student at a Los Angeles prep school.  Almost immediately she’s taken in by the local teenage witch coven.  Things happen and before you can say “Give me sum of dat Gargamel pussy!” they’re haphazardly firing off spells all over the joint.  Pew, pew, pew!  But, of course, we all know that casting spells around willy-nilly never works out well.

Witchcraft is fucking awesome.  High school is fucking awesome.  So, when you mix the two together, it’s just simple mathematics that the movie is going to be dope.  THE CRAFT is obviously dated, but the vintage clothes, weak special effects and cringe dialogue just add to the charm of the film.

Revisiting THE CRAFT again for this review, I was kinda surprised at how much Fairuza Balk carried the film.  I’m also surprised that nobody ever used her in a demon possession film.  Hell, maybe they did.  What do I know?  Strong supporting cast, weak main cast (outside of Fairuza and Neve Campbell), average direction, zero nudity, zero gore, a few cool spells but nothing super awesome, zero hardcore violence, DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE and PANTHER playing at the same movie theater we last saw in COLORS, weak usage of potentially awesome Los Angeles locations, weak soundtrack, zero time-travel, zero ninjas, average pace.  For grumpy old wizards like myself, THE CRAFT has a lot of nostalgic value, but younger apprentice wizards might find the entire thing to be weak.

Anyway, if you love old stuff like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed or Angel, then you should check out THE CRAFT.

[Post-review note: This has absolutely nothing to do with the review, but hundreds of years ago, I was talking to a stranger (who headbangs side-to-side) at a Cemetery Filth show.  In a moment of human weakness, I let down my guard and mentioned a secret thought that I have never told anybody before: I always see Eyehategod and THE CRAFT as being connected in my brain because I once saw Eyehategod and THE CRAFT was playing on a small TV above the bar.  The memory of that moment has always made me smile, but when I die, that nonsensical connection will be lost forever.

She then mentioned how that connection is now in her brain also.  I thought that was an incredibly sweet thing to say.  I’m sure that she was lying, since everything everybody says to me is a lie, but it was a nice gesture and one of the kindest lies anyone has told me in a very long time.  And now, you have that pointless connection in your brain too.

P.S. As I’m typing this, my furry lil boi Charlie is attempting to sneak up on me, but the morning Sun that he loves so much is betraying him since I can see his hunkered down shadow creeping up closer and closer.  Of course, I’ll still act surprised when he fin…AGGGHHHHGHH!!!]

Part 2 - The Craft: Legacy (2020)

HOLY SPIDER (2022)

"I did it all for God."

There is a serial killer, the “Spider Killer”, stalking the low-level prostitutes of Mashhad, Iran.  The police have little interest in finding the killer since all of his victims are considered to be unclean women and therefore looked upon as being less than human.  In fact, what the Spider Killer is doing is seen by the general population as a positive thing.  Enter female journalist Arezoo Rahimi who appears to be the luckiest news reporter in history because upon arriving Mashhad she, in a matter of days, somehow, in a city of over three and a half million people, locates this self-righteous lunatic.

HOLY SPIDER is an alright film.  The acting is above average, but the entire thing is just too light-weight and weak.  The story idea of a serial killer having free reign to do as he pleases in a large city that is being crushed down and oppressed by the religious government is fascinating and terrifying, but the film that ends up on the screen fails to relay any of that horror or conflict.  I wanted to see more of the inner workings of the city leaders who publicly act like they care, but secretly support the murderer cleansing their streets of women who dare to walk “on the streets of this holy city, chewing gum” and “wearing short coats”.  Instead, we get various random scenes of the monster hanging out with his family and friends who love him despite the fact that he has the personality of an iceberg.

HOLY SPIDER is a good film that creates a lot of food for thought, but it could have been much better.