PLUS ONE AT AN AMISH WEDDING (2022)

New Yorker Dr. April Monroe has been dating Dr. Jesse Hardin for six months and yet she knows nothing about him. Ends up his big secret is he was raised Amish. And not only that, but Jesse is going to his little bro’s big fat Amish wedding this weekend and he wants April to come along! How romantic.

PLUS ONE AT AN AMISH WEDDING was fascinating to me in many ways. First off, why was this movie even made? Is there an audience for films with literally zero ups or downs? Was it was extremely bland and predictable and safe on purpose? What is this sub-genre even called? What could the budget on something like this even be? Do they not care about people staring at the camera or glaring continuity errors? Is this some kind of niche (safe) movie genre for extremely depressed people? And most importantly: where can I find more films like this?!

PLUS ONE AT AN AMISH WEDDING is not “so bad, it’s good”, it’s more like “so bland, it’s fucking impossible to turn away”. Pretty scenery, shockingly bland and predictable story, one dude with a confusing beard that I couldn’t tell if it was real or fake, multiple different levels of acting ability, a cute dog, a goat penis, good chemistry between the two leads, more than one person overacting (but maybe that was on purpose?), an almost bottomless well of reasons to yell at your TV (I had so much material that I had to watch the movie twice, just to get all my jokes in), nowhere near enough Amish stuff going on, a picture on a phone that doesn’t match at all with what was really taken (dude, even the wall's on the other side!).

But the one thing that drove me completely nuts and I could not get over was the info at the beginning of the movie where it said they’d been dating for “six months”, but yet April doesn’t know anything about Jesse. That shit drove me up the fucking wall. That info was 100% unneeded and literally fucked the entire story up, cause what the fuck have these motherfuckers been talking about for the last 182 days? Instead, have them meet at the beginning of the film and while they’re getting to know each other, the fact that he was raised Amish comes up. Keep it simple, stupid. Hell, you're already writing the most spiritless shit known to man so might as well water it down even more.

That said, I'm fucking hooked on this tripe and I need some more! And I'm not making any suggestions, buuuuut...Gay Plus One at an Amish Wedding does have a certain ring to it. Just sayin'. As does Fifth-Wave Feminist Hardcore Punk Singer Plus One at an Amish Wedding. Plus One at an Amish Human Centipide Wedding?

BRING HER BACK (2025)

[I don’t have an actual copy of the movie yet to take screenshots, since I just got home from the movie theater. I’ll fix that once I do. And watch the movie again to update the review. Can’t wait! Yawn.]

Is there even one single shot in this movie that doesn’t have an object or an actor within 10 feet (or less) of the camera? I’m fucking serious. I’m sitting there in the movie theater, gracing my favorite seat with my amazing buns, and within 10 minutes (if not less) you already know the entire story, so now in my boredom I start hyperfocusing on the camera placement and it’s driving me nuts. It’s like we’re stuck in a Bourne Identity fight scene for 7 hours or however long this movie is. What? It’s only 104 minutes long? Oh, fuck me.

Anyway, if you’ve never seen a movie before or a TV show and never read a book or maybe even don’t know how to read…perhaps you’ve been punched in the skull a few dozen times by a donkey, if so, then you might find BRING HER BACK to be original. Everybody else, I would hope, would just find it to be lazy and below average.

Middle of the road acting, minor blood, zero gore, zero scares, up close and personal camera shots for like 98% of the movie, lackluster script, unoriginal story, slow pace, dumb…fucking dumb as fuck characters, multiple plots holes. I hate to admit it, but that disappointing as fuck CUCKOO was better than this turkey.

Jesus Fucking Harry Potter Christ, I forgot to give a brief synopsis of the story: A woman, who is clearly as crazy as a shithouse rat, is in deep mourning over the death of her tween daughter. So, she acquires a bootleg “Soul Transference for Dummies” VHS tape (probably from iOffer) and kidnaps a young boy to use as a soul vessel until she can find a fresh tween girl corpse to permanently house her dead daughter’s soul. Lucky for her, the State seems to have performed literally zero investigation into her and her fucked up house and delivers a young orphan girl right to her front door. (I might've got a few minor details of the story incorrect. Or maybe I was just confusing it with the dozens of other times we've seen this same story.)

REMEMBER THE GOAL (2016)

"Cross-country is a lot like Christianity, Mr. Prader, it doesn't make a lot of sense."

The cross-country team of the all-girls Christian school Orange Hills Academy came in 10th place last year in state while under the iron-handed leadership of Coach Holloway. Holloway’s gone now and the schools got a new coach who doesn’t believe in “running the girls in the ground”. The parents are not happy about that and they voice their disdain by being complete and utter assholes non-stop. It’s awesome. I was giggling my incredibly tight buns off the entire movie cause it’s so deadpan and over the top at the same time. There is zero character development. The new coach shows up in the opening scene and this one student just starts throwing shade immediately. Then the student’s dad shows up and starts talking shit to this poor woman without even giving her a chance at all. Then other parents and faculty pile on. It’s ridiculous. Then the coach starts tossing out Bible verses and I’m like “Ohh, hell yes. You go girl!” 1 Corinthians 10:31, motherfucker! “Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” What does that have to do with running across a field? I have no idea, but it's said with sincerity so it's awesome!

REMEMBER THE GOAL is a Christian movie, but even I, a world-renowned Bible scholar, had trouble figuring out how any of this is gonna get somebody saved or even be inspirational. Since it is a Christian school, I would figure that the parents are all Christians as well, but they were all insufferable buttheads. And the coaching technique that the new coach was showing the girls is just The Tortoise and the Hare: pace yourself while the other runners burn out. Like is that even inspirational at all? That's just common sense!

As far as movie entertainment goes, RTG would probably be looked at as lame by most people, but I appreciated the dedication the filmmakers and actors had. It made me laugh and that's fucking enough for me.

Part 2 - The Perfect Race (2019)