LONGLEGS (2024)

I haven’t seen many Small Wonder / THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS crossovers, but of the ones I have seen LONGLEGS is the weakest. Also, I don’t even believe in Satan and even I’m offended at how weak this Satanic turkey is.

Full-time Victoria "Vicki" Ann Smith-Lawson cosplayer and newly recruited FBI agent Lee Harker fails miserably at her first assignment, so she’s put on the cold-case of a serial killer by the name of Longlegs. (No relation to the Long-Legged Mack Daddy.) Within a few hours she has somehow figured out all kinds of clues that has baffled the FBI for decades. Gee, wonder how that could be?! Durr. Anyway, more amazing coincidences happen over and over six hundred and threescore and six more times and before you can say “The Holy Spirit is a dork.” Harper Lee, I mean, Lee Harker is neck deep in trouble.

Whoever made the trailer for this film should be given 66.6% of the box office because it was really fun and it fooled my dumbass into thinking it was going to be a mean-spirited creepfest, but nope. I sat my chiseled buns down in my normal seat at the theater and within 10 minutes I was already rolling my handsome eyeballs at how ridiculous the story was. If somebody can’t figure out the ending of this movie within the first few minutes, then you got a problem. Also, is there some sort of light bulb wattage regulations in this universe? Why is nearly every light bulb in the film barely stronger than a single candle? Ewwwhhh! I heard a suspicious sound late at night outside my secluded forest home. Let me turn on my outside spotlight. Flips switch and the bulb has the illumination power of 37 lightning bugs in a dusty jar.

I have many more thoughts about LONGLEGS (for example: why does Nicholas Cage look like a bloated Marilyn Manson dressed up as the Easter Bunny from CRITTERS 2?), but nobody besides me reads this shit so what is the point. I’ll update this review with screenshots and other stuff when the film comes out on home media and I watch it a few more times. And yes, I’ll even crawl through it frame-by-frame to capture all the creepiest stuff...so IMDb can put my screenshots on their site and put ads on them. Whoops! Did I type that out loud?

[Update 10/06/2024: Added screenshots. Have fun IMDb.]

URBAN LEGEND (1998)

Predictable, but enjoyable late-90's SCREAM clone.

There's a killer stalking a small group of college students, but instead of just hacking and slashing, the killer uses different urban legends like calling from inside the house, killer hiding in the back seat and headlight flashing to kill his victims. URBAN LEGEND isn't groundbreaking, but watching it again I got a little nostalgic for the simpler 90's, pre-SAW slasher films filled with cheesy alt-butt rock, no cell phones and funny looking internet sites...then again if you'd ask me what I thought of this film back in 1998 I probably would have said "It sucked balls." Oh well, I guess I'm getting old.

Zero gore, zero nudity, nearly all bloodless kills, low body count, 90's fashions, Alicia Witt looking hot as fuck, an Antichrist Superstar poster, $1.14 gas, Jared Leto looking like a dork, Tara Reid looking only half busted, Danielle Harris dressed up as a Hollywood version of a goth, a Brad Dourif cameo, a L7 poster, Freddy Krueger as a professor. For a horror movie, URBAN LEGEND is pretty shitty, but for entertainment it's passable and I got some good laughs out of it. Worth wasting your time with if it comes on cable and you're too drunk/high to change the channel.

Part 2 - Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000)
Part 3 - Urban Legends: Bloody Mary (2005)