Alicia Witt is unemployed as fuck, broke as fuck and fucked as fuck cuz she cannot pay her rent, she has a super annoying kid she has to provide for and it's Christmas. But wait a minute cause undercover angel Wallace Shawn performs some olde tyme Christmas angel witchcraft and gets Alicia a job as a store Santa at the prestigious Cartwright’s department store. Oooooooooooh! Fancy. Now you might be asking yourself: how does the payroll and tax stuff work with a woman secretly acting as a dude at a job where literally nobody knows her secret…and you might even be curious how she was able to pay her overdue back-rent after only being on the job for like three days, but, you see, you’re thinking too much! This is a Hallmark movie, motherfucker! Relax. Take your big, ol’ overheated noodle and put it on a shelf and quit thinking. If you do insist on thinking while you watch this upbeat motherfucker, think about how easy (and fun) it would be to re-edit this into a horror movie. Example: Wallace Shawn isn't an actual angel...he's just fucking crazy.
As much as I would like to be a Hallmark movie expert, I’m not (since I don’t come across the DVD’s that much), but I have thoroughly enjoyed the ones that I have seen. CHRISTMAS AT CARTWRIGHT'S is no different. It’s awesome. The story is predictable as fuck, the acting is all over the place (especially by the background actors), the annoying child character is easily the most emotionally mature character in the entire film (despite the fact that she cannot spell the words “blue” or “night”), the production design and sets looks interchangeable with other Hallmark films and the positivity! Oh my god. The shit is off the scales! I think I talked back to the television for the entire movie. At one point towards the end, I remember standing straight up and yelling “This fucking movie!!!” with my left arm out. Haha. I was seriously getting upset with the two main characters not hooking up.
Overall, I really enjoyed CHRISTMAS AT CARTWRIGHT'S and was surprised at how much I enjoyed Alicia Witt’s overacting. Especially all the funny faces she made. It was awesome. Even if her hair was too short. I also really liked Gabriel Hogan. He had a playful demeanor that I thought was cute. His hair was okay.
Now that I think about it, I don't remember seeing any horrible jackets in this movie. That seemed to be a running theme in the couple of films that I saw in the MYSTERY 101 and CHRISTMAS IN EVERGREEN series. I thought that might be a Hallmark, uhhh, hallmark.
[Not part of the review: Cerealously though, if anybody has some Hallmark discs, send them my way.]
Oh fuck...I was just going back and watching it again and I remember in the scene were the kid cannot spell "blue" in class, right when she got it wrong, I said "Stupid!" and at the exact same moment the kid sitting behind her said "Dummy." hahahaha, oh shit I was dying.
