FALL (2022)

"Hashtag, super badass."

Two annoying fucks who are almost too stupid to live (as proven by Annoying Fuck #2’s driving skills) decide the best way to deal with Annoying Fuck #1’s husband’s death (due to him being a dumb fuck) is to climb a 2,000+ foot high television broadcasting tower and dump his ashes off the top. Did I mention that the tower is decommissioned and has been left to the elements for Satan only knows how long? Anyway, these dumb fucks finally get to the tower, and it looks like a death trap.  So without any gloves or even telling anybody their location, they start climbing this dilapidated pile of rust. Shit happens and about 15 “fuck that shit” comments by me later, they finally get to the small landing at the top. Once there, they do even more dumb shit and then a long section of the crappy ass ladder that looks like it came up from the wreckage of the Titanic just falls straight the fuck off the tower. Now these two idiots are stuck like Chuck without a plan, so, naturally, they start talking about their feelings.

Visually, FALL looks good enough.  It had me puckered up a number of times. I enjoyed those moments of vertigo, but goddamn, the character development and the dialogue was complete buzzard piss! I absolutely hated the two main characters. There are about 666 ways that a talented writer could get some likeable characters up a tall tower and still maintain audience sympathy, but nope. Instead, we got two annoying fucks who I wanted to dropkick into an industrial tree shredder.

Medium pace, zero gore, zero nudity, cringe dialogue overload, disappointing ending, an iPhone that somehow sends messages on its own even after failing earlier, an iPhone battery with incredible life, a drone with amazing range, somehow downloading the drone app onto your phone despite not having a signal, needless story twists that annoyed me and put me in a grumpy mood.  Grr.  Bad things aside, I did enjoy the story idea and will definitely watch another Fall film, if they decide to make another one.

Story idea for a Fall spin-off: A religious leader has a 2,000-foot tower built out of precious metals and jewels. He climbs a ladder to the top of the tower (streamed live on TV and the internet). Once at the top, the ladder falls away. He then calls for his followers pay $100 to buy a special permit for permission to commit suicide at the base of the tower in order to create a pile of bodies high enough for him to walk down. They do and once the pile is high enough, he calls in a helicopter to whisk him away. His followers praise him for being so resourceful and caring.

[Post-review comment: Yes, I did notice that my story idea from the 47 METERS DOWN review was in this movie, but I meant for it to be used in a good way. Not a lame one. Better luck next time.]

RENT-A-PAL (2020)

Denver, 1990.  Forty-years young David lives alone with his elderly mother who needs 24-hour care.  He doesn't work or have any friends.  He also doesn't have any social outlets and the internet hasn't been invented yet, so the terminally lonely David has been trying his hand at video dating.  Things go about as well as you would expect for a chubby middle-aged dude with zero personality and zero ambition.  David's life changes though when he purchases a VHS tape called "Rent-A-Pal".  The tape is nothing more than a funky-looking dude named Andy sitting in a chair talking to the viewer about random crap.  A normal person would take one look at this junk and either keep it to laugh at with friends or roundhouse kick it into the nearest trashcan, but nope, not David.  He becomes obsessed with the tape.

RENT-A-PAL is an enjoyable film with solid acting and a good pace.  It's definitely worth watching.  I was impressed at how skillfully the film presented David's sadness.  That said, the final act is disappointingly weak and while the film is entertaining, it doesn't add anything new to the insane-loner-at-home subgenre.  If anything, RENT-A-PAL kinda seems like a bizarre updated mixture of EVEN HITLER HAD A GIRLFRIEND, REPULSION, BRAINSCAN and a handful of other films.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  I'm all for borrowing small things from older films...as long as you build onto it.  Also, don't present yourself as a horror movie when you're really just a psychological thriller.

This doesn't have anything to do with the review, but on the disc cover there was a critic quote talking about Wil Wheaton (Andy, the guy in the video tape) being a creepy horror villain.  I don't understand what that means because the Andy character wasn't a villain at all or even presented as one!  He's simply a dork talking on a tape.  He was the thing the real life David became obsessed with as his brain melted down.  Like Iris (Jodie Foster) to Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro) in TAXI DRIVER.  If it wasn't the Andy tape, then it would have just been something different.  Outside of some off colour commentary and jokes, there wasn't anything odd about the Rent-A-Pal tape itself.  Definitely nothing evil!  You could have given that same tape to Jesse and Chester from DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR? and it would have be hilarious.  If you don't believe me...the unedited 22-minute video is on the Special Features of the disc.  Watch it for yourself.  It's an innocent and funny ride.

Anyway, good movie. Worth watching, but nothing to get overly excited about.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go change my mother's skin.

Interesting stuff from the DVD extra features...