LIMITLESS (2011)

Bradley Cooper is a loser. He wants to be a writer but he sucks, his girlfriend dumped him because he sucks, even his landlord hates him because he sucks. Then one day he runs into a dubious ex-friend who turns him onto a pill that will kick start his mind into using its full potential. He takes the pill and it's fucking amazing. Suddenly he can remember everything he's ever read or heard and thinks at a million miles per hour. He's super confident and can soak up knowledge almost instantly. He's like a superhero, he can even solve a Rubik's Cube...just using his dick. No hands. In 4 seconds.  That actually didn't happen.

Then comes the crash and he's a big dummy again. A dummy that remembers what it was like to be a god. He goes to the dealer, but some bad stuff goes down and Bradley barely gets out alive...but with a whole stash of pills! Boo-yah! He starts popping pills left and right and living the life of a super genius, but who are all these mysterious dudes trailing him? Hmmm. There's a few other side stories and that's where LIMITLESS derails. Instead of going one direction and kicking ass, it goes four directions and stalls out in all four.

Personality I would have been happy just seeing Bradley go all out with the pills, but instead I was bored with the stuff about the loan shark angle, the evil corporation angle, the side effects angle and the other users angle. Hint: I don't give a fuck. I just want to see a dude be a super genius, not getting in fights with mob enforcers.

The other thing that bothered me was it's was all very tame. They briefly implied that he was fucking random women, but they never showed anything. And worst of all he never really used his new found brain power for anything cool. Yeah, he made some money on the stock market. Big deal.

Worth a single viewing, but this movie already needs to be remade into a darker, more imaginative version. Oh yeah, and please don't use that over-saturated picture effect. It looks like shit.

MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN (2008)

[Update 03/08/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

What is the point of this movie? Does it even take place in our universe or in some alternate reality where extremely dumb shit is commonplace? From what I can tell, there's this "midnight" train that leaves every night at, uh, 2:06 A.M. and every night this dude attacks the last few passengers with a large hammer until CGI blood shoots out all over the place. The train drives on to a hidden location then the driver and the killer feed the corpses to some monsters. Why? What? How? What the fuck? That's stupid. Wouldn't you think the police would become interested when the same train has multiple disappearances every fucking night?! Yeah, there's this one lone copper that's in cahoots with the murderers, but how can she cover up the hundreds of murders all by herself?

Alright lets just forget the ignorant story for a minute and concentrate on the violence...it sucks. The killer never says a word and his only facial expression is the "I'm trying to hold in a giant fart" expression. He has zero screen presence and he's not scary. Also, his weapon is stupid: a giant shiny hammer.  Jason from FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 3 would slaughter the fuck out of this guy in 5 seconds!

Honestly I cannot think of any reason to ever watch this movie. It's unoriginal, slow and has no personality. There is nothing here that you haven't already seen before. If you need me, I'll be in my room listening to "Maxwell's Silver Hammer".