Monday, August 15, 2011

ILSA, THE WICKED WARDEN (1977)

Just like THE THIN MAN series before it, the ILSA series went out with a shit. A giant, smelly turd square on the face of its fans.

Once again Ilsa is back and this time she's running a private hospital for women with sexual problems. Sounds like a noble cause, but unfortunately instead of helping these women Ilsa is filming snuff, torture and rape films and selling them to some sleazy dude.

As thrilling as that might sound it's a absolute bore. Nothing Ilsa does to these girls is as painful as sitting through this movie. Every single one of you buttholes reading this review should send me $5 apiece for saving you the time and anguish of watching this bowel movement. I probably would have had more fun watching The Spice Girls movie. What?! You don't believe me? OK smartypants I'm putting the Spice Girls movie at the top of my Netflix queue right now. We'll see which one of these movies gives me more pain: ILSA 4 or SPICE WORLD. Jesus Christ what have I done?

A woman's sister disappears after entering Ilsa's home for wayward girls so she goes undercover and admits herself in hopes of rescuing her sister. Things go bad right from the start when she's immediately brutalized, beaten and even forced to lick another prisoner's doodie-crusted butthole. Naturally, as with all women's prison movies, the tables turn and the women rampage the shit out of everything at the end. Yawn.

Not a single female in this movie is even mildly attractive. Just look at these NSFW screenshots if you don't believe me. And even worse than the ugly chicks is the pace. The entire movie I was praying for something interesting to happen, but it never did. Skip the fuck out of this stinker and never look back.

Part 1 - Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS (1975)
Part 2 - Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks (1976)
Part 3 - Ilsa, the Tigress of Siberia (1977)