RAISE THE TITANIC (1980)

"It's just laying there! Move, you bastard, move!"

With the popularity of the 1970's disaster phase waning and audiences demanding more fantastic blockbusters (like SUPERMAN, STAR WARS and STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE) what better time was it to sink $40 million into a slow-moving film about the wreckage of the Titanic?!  Keep in mind, the same year's THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK only had a budget of $18 million!  Another thing that puzzled me was 1977's all-star AIRPORT '77 (which not only featured a commercial airplane being raised from the ocean floor, but was also directed by Jerry Jameson!) only brought in $30 million...so why would the filmmakers of this film think that retooling basically the same story with even less star power would make more money?!

The entire story behind the making of this movie would be fascinating to hear.  Like...what was the logic behind financing this film?  Looking back on it now, it sounds like a completely insane idea...and it was.  RAISE THE TITANIC cost a reported $40 million to make and only brought in $7 million at the box office.

So, we established that RAISE THE TITANIC was a financial disaster, but is it a good film?

Ehh, not really.  I enjoyed the beginning, but once the story got going, it quickly became too silly and slow-moving for it's own good.  Long story short: the American government needs a rare mineral (the fictional "byzanium") for a full-proof nationwide missile defense program.  Unfortunately, the only known location of the amount of byzanium needed for the project is in the cargo hold of the Titanic.  Don't ask.  The whole story is ridiculous and only gets more ridiculous when the government decides the best way to retrieve the cases of byzanium is to first locate the Titanic and then raise that big bitch out of Poseidon's underwater sex dungeon and drive it back to New York City.

And if all that wasn't enough: On top of wildly convoluted story (how about instead of a bunch seahorse shit about a government defense program, you just have rich guy who simply wants to raise the Titanic?), there's the exceedingly pointless love triangle between the two men in charge of the program and a female newspaper reporter!  And don't forget about the Russians!  Or Alec Guinness who's listed in the opening credits, but is only on the screen for less than 6 minutes.  The script for this movie is a mind-blowingly wonderful train wreck.  I can't quit thinking about how dumb the whole thing is.

Overall, being a box office bomb doesn't make RAISE THE TITANIC into a bad movie, it's the dumb story, slow pace and poorly written script that make RAISE THE TITANIC a lame movie.  But then again, I pre-ordered the blu-ray, so what the fuck do I know?

BACK TO SCHOOL (1986)

After dumping his gold-digging wife, self-made millionaire Rodney Dangerfield goes to visit his son in college.  Once there, he's surprised to find out that his son isn't the coolest guy on campus, but instead just a normal student.  Even worse: he wants to quit school!  So, in some kind of strange movie logic, Rodney decides to go to college himself!  Yeah, don't overthink it, just enjoy it.

BACK TO SCHOOL is a fun film.  Watching it again now, it's definitely dated and there is a serious lack of 80's comedy toplessness (with only one quick topless scene), but other than that it's an enjoyable ride.  Impressive supporting cast, cameos by Oingo Boingo and Kurt Vonnegut (not at the same time), good pace, satisfying story, mild laughs.

It's easy to see why BACK TO SCHOOL was a box office hit.  The thing that I found interesting though, was just how big of a hit it was.  Domestically, BACK TO SCHOOL was the #6 biggest film of the year!  That's crazy to think about, considering that nowadays, I doubt many people even remember BACK TO SCHOOL.  Just to give you a taste of what I mean, BTS beat all of these films at the box office (some of them by a huge margin): ALIENS, FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF, STAND BY ME, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, SHORT CIRCUIT, PRETTY IN PINK, THREE AMIGOS, THE MONEY PIT, LABYRINTH, THE GOLDEN CHILD and POLTERGEIST II: THE OTHER SIDE.  Anyway, I just thought that was interesting.

BACK TO SCHOOL isn't going to change your life or anything, but it is an amusing tidbit in movie history.