THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL (2009)

THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL can proudly take it's place in "The Hall of Shitty Horror Movies That Are All Build-up and No Payoff" alongside such timeless turds as THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and 28 DAYS LATER.

Samantha needs money to help pay the rent. (I just described the first 30 minutes of the movie.) She takes a job babysitting an old woman and everything goes fine. Now we are at the 75 minute mark. No bullshit. Finally some shit happens and...it's nothing we haven't already seen 40+ years ago in ROSEMARY'S BABY. The End.

When I hear the name HOUSE OF THE DEVIL I'm thinking there's going to be some serious shit going down. I mean, the fucking Devil lives here for Christ's sake! But no, not much happens. Some bullets are fired, a little blood is spilled, a pizza is delivered and a few pentagrams are drawn. Sounds like what I would imagine a normal afternoon at Phil Anselmo's house would be like.

From what I read before I saw the movie, it was filmed to look like an old 80's horror movie. That really excited me...until I remember that most 80's horror movies sucked. Yeah, there's some classic 80's fashions and great female hairstyles, but you need a goddamn story! Then, after watching it, I discovered the dude behind THOTD is the same guy who made CABIN FEVER 2 and it all made complete sense. This guy blows. He's 0 for 2 in my book and, who knows, maybe one day he'll do something great, but from what I've seen so far I don't think he couldn't make a good horror movie to keep his dick from falling off.

Barely any blood, zero scares, unoriginal story, loooong build-up, zero nudity, zero gore, zero suspense. Fucking skip it.

Special Thanks to Goatse and Tubgirl huh? Maybe they should have written the script. At least then you'd know there'd be one Hell of a payoff! Most likely it would have been a payoff about buttholes, but still it's something.

TERRORVISION (1986)

"This dude's into metal!"

Before Tim Burton made it big and long before Adult Swim there was TERRORVISION, the almost live action cartoon story of two married swingers who just want is a nice quiet evening of fucking strangers. But noooo! That's can't happen cause their son Sherman wants to watch monster movies, Grandpa is going on about End of Days survivalist bullshit, new waver daughter Suzy has brought over her metalhead boyfriend O.D. (played by King Vidiot himself!!!) and to top it all off a flesh-eating mutated dog creature from outer space has invaded their house through the new satellite dish! Now the orgy guest are getting eaten and everybody's knocking on the door! The TV repair guy, the cops, even the late night horror host with big tits and a Medusa wig. It's insanity! Pure 80's insanity.

I have no idea if this movie made any money or if anybody else besides me even likes it, but it's wildly imaginative, very well made and deserves to be better known than it is. I love every minute of it. TERRORVISION stands strong alongside other classic silly comedies of the 80's like SURF II or JOYSTICKS. Don't be totally rude, check it out!