DEADLY PREY (1987)

HOOOOOOOOOOLY FUCK!!!! I've heard some wild shit about this movie everything from "it'll kick your balls up around your ears" to "it soars like an eagle made of cheese", but both of those are understatements! DEADLY PREY cures cancer!!! You heard me right! Moments before I sat down to watch DEADLY PREY I had a slight cough that I diagnosed as terminal butt cancer. I watched the movie and now I feel fine! I'm completely cured!!! Oh thank you Danton...DAAAAAAANNNNNTTTTTOOOOOOONNNNNNN!!!!

A renegade group of mercenaries kidnap innocent people off the street and as a training exercise they hunt them down and kill them. But today they fucked up. They kidnapped Danton...DAAAAAAANNNNNTTTTTOOOOOOONNNNNNN!!!! It's like if a gang of Wall-E's kidnapped the fucking Terminator and tried to hunt him. The. entire. fucking. movie. is this guy Danton...DAAAAAAANNNNNTTTTTOOOOOOONNNNNNN!!!! killing everybody nonstop. That's it. I'm not exaggerating, by the end of the movie everybody's dead but him! Hahahahaha.

This movie is rad as fuck. It's like the world's most intellectually disabled intellectually disabled person took his biggest, baddest Big Chief pencil and wrote the most cliche-filled, stupid Rambo fan fiction and then right before he died of terminal butt cancer all of his intellectually disabled friends used the script to make a movie from it. It's wonderful.

If you're looking for a good movie to watch with your drunk friends. This is the one. Make sure to bring your rape whistle though cause DEADLY PREY is going to fuck you up...the butt*!

*Warning: getting raped up the butt by this movie may cause cancer.

[Update 1: Am I correct in think that this shot looks a lot like the shot from THE SWORD OF DOOM? How bizarre.]

[Update 2: I have no idea why, but I bought www.terminalbuttcancer.com and have it go to this review.]

DEUCE BIGALOW: MALE GIGOLO (1999)

A fish tank cleaning loser (Rob Schneider) is fishsitting for a gigolo customer who's out of the country when he accidentally fucks up the guy's expensive fish tank. Now he has to come up with six grand in three weeks to replace the tank. The only way to make that kind of money quickly is to start man-whoring for the clients that any self-respecting man-whore wouldn't touch with a stolen dick. You got: the morbidly obese woman, the super tall woman, the narcoleptic woman, the Tourette woman and finally the superhot woman who's too good to be true woman. Deuce satisfies them all, but not sexually (well, maybe one), instead he works with their disability and makes them happy. He truly is the hooker with a heart of gold!

The pace of the movie is good. It's a little slow to start, but once he get's to the man-whoring it's really funny. I was surprised though at the lack of crude humor. Yeah, there was some, but for the most part it was a lot tamer than I had expected. Good movie, it's not going to cure cancer or anything, but it's worth watching.

KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK (1978)

[Update 10/10/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Where to even start with this one? Well, the picture on the DVD I watched looked like deep fried monkey shit, but even if this sucker was on the world's greatest Blu-Ray it wouldn't have helped. First off it was made for TV and produced by Hanna-Barbera. What the fuck? I thought Kiss was suppose to be all about partying, drugs, fucking, eating each others vomit while worshiping Satan or something. Hell, I don't know, but I thought they were suppose to be evil. The Gene Simmons character is called The Demon for Satan's sake!

Anyway, so there's an evil scientist living under an amusement park and he likes to turn humans into zombies. Kiss shows up to play some concerts, but somehow get mixed up with fighting the scientist.  You'd think they'd be on the side of the evil scientist!  It's stupid. The story is below Scooby-Doo standards and it's 96 minutes long! Complete torture.

Good for a laugh, but that's about it.  I enjoyed watching Gene Simmons walking around the entire movie like he's trying to clinch in a huge turd.