ECLIPSE (2010)

They can't make these fast enough for me. In fact, I wish they'd quit releasing these little two hour teasers and just release a 40+ hour epic. I'd be in Heaven.

A gang of bloodthirsty "newborn" vampires are out to kill Bella. But that's not what we're concerned about, ohhh no. I want to know if that dogbutt sniffing Jacob has gotten the hint and fucked off yet?! The answer: hell no! That douchey, cockblocking, Beta bitch asshole is still around and just as cockblocky as ever.  Can't he find his own goddamn woman?

A few other things I noticed: I'm really digging Alice. I'd be just as happy as could be if the camera followed Alice around for a few hours. I think she's really cute, has a interesting personality and her psychic powers are cool. Also, I don't read the books, so I don't know what happens to Bella's dad, but I'm hoping that he accidentally gets turned into a vampire and he keeps his job as Sheriff and then gets his own spinoff series where it's like "Twin Peaks" meets "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and he has to solve mysterious and fight weird monsters while coming to grips with the fact that he's now a vampire. To complicate matters even more, women are suddenly more attracted to him, but he's only interested in true love.

ECLIPSE progresses the story along nicely, but like I said, it just wasn't long enough. I want more goddamn it! It leaves you with some teaser stuff about the Volturi and the wedding and Bella finally becoming a goddamn vampire. Agggggghhhhh, now I'm going to have to wait another year to find out what happens.  This is vampire batshit!!!

Part 1 - Twilight (2008)
Part 2 - The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Part 4 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)
Part 5 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)

EBOLA SYNDROME (1996)

[Update 04/18/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

This movie is fucking nuts! Anthony Wong gets caught banging his gangster boss' wife, so they beat him up, force her to urinate on his face, then tell him to castrate himself. He takes the clippers and starts beating the shit out of everybody: busting out one guy's teeth, stabbing another dude in the dick then finally chopping off the woman's tongue. He goes on the run to South Africa where he gets a job as a cook and continues to be a scumbag: spits in people's food, masturbates into meat, kills people, rapes people, rips out a chick's eyeball, stabs another dude in the eye with a fork. Finally his evil ways catch up to him when he rapes a dying Zulu woman and catches Ebola! As luck would have it, the Ebola doesn't kill him, it just makes him even fucking crazier!!! Next thing you know he's back in Hong Kong, crazy as fuck and spreading Ebola around like wildfire...he even at one point runs down the street spitting blood in people's faces while yelling "E-bowl-i!!! E-bowl-i!!!!" It's fucking great and I laughed for days afterwards.

This movie is a masterpiece of horrible political incorrectness. There's tons of mean-spirited raping, killing, hatred, racial slurs, bigotry, chicken murders, cussing and child killing. It's awesome. If I was able to, I'd buy the rights to EBOLA SYNDROME.  Write a script for a sequel myself, pay Anthony Wong to star in it, director Herman Yau to direct it and then put it out myself. I'd probably lose 100 million dollars or so, but it'd be worth every penny.

The DVD I used for this review has a great looking picture. Way better than I thought I'd ever see it. I first saw EBOLA on VHS years ago, then I bought a bootleg DVD that's has a horribly wonderful shitty picture and the crappiest double subtitles ever plus a double audio track!!!!!!! That's right two grainy subtitles, plus two separate audio tracks, both in some languages I can't understand it! It's terrible, but somehow added to the wackiness of the movie. Whenever I watch it now, I actually use the crappy DVD instead of the better looking one because you can't help but laugh nonstop. I would love to take screenshots, but it's so shitty I can't even get it to work on my computer.

If you love wild, unique movies then check out EBOLA SYNDROME. It's not a masterpiece of film making, but it's damn sure entertaining. "E-bowl-i!!! E-bowl-i!!!!"

EBOLA SYNDROME Drinking Game:

• Every time Anthony says "bully" or "betrayal"
• Every time somebody says "Ebola"
• Whenever Anthony rapes or kills somebody

WHEN LADIES MEET (1941)

[Update 12/03/2023: Need re-watch this film and redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Joan Crawford is a novelist who's in love with her publisher even though he's married. She doesn't know the wife, so when her friend Jimmy accidentally meets the publisher's wife and discovers she's a really sweet person, he sets it up that Joan and the publisher's wife will also accidentally meet and become friends before realizing that they are both in love with the same scoundrel.

Good performances, but it's just way too long and sappy. Not to mention predictable. One highlight for me was Greer Garson. She was beautiful, very charming and she wore some great dresses. Overall, it was an entertaining film, but if you haven't already seen 1939's THE WOMEN I say check that one out first. It's a superior film all around.