VOLCANO (1997)

You like volcanoes? You like the sound of Tommy Lee Jones' voice barking orders nonstop? You like humans coming together and being heroic as fuck?  Well, have I got the film for you!

Some strange stuff is going on in downtown Los Angeles...lake temperature up, underground workers mysteriously getting burned to death, dogs and cats living together, etc. The scientists try to warn them, but they just won't listen!!! So the next morning, the city's disaster management guy, Tommy Lee Jones, is driving to work when suddenly lava starts spewing out of the La Brea Tar Pits. Being the quick thinker that he is, Jones jumps out of his whip and starts saving lives. Emergency crew show up and eventually they get the situation under control only to discover that a quick moving lava flow is using an underground train tunnel and headed straight for the city's major hospital.

If you don't take it too seriously, it's a good movie to laugh at.  Dated special effects, forced emotional music, zero character depth, made-for-TV feel, hilarious dialogue, acting that borders on overacting, good pace, daughter that might just be the most helpless character in disaster movie history.  The opening build-up portion was easily the best part of the movie.  Unfortunately, it was too short.

VOLCANO is a fun guilty pleasure.

VOLCANO drinking game: anytime somebody does something heroic, anytime somebody says "Oh my God" or the like, every time Tommy Lee Jones yells out an order, every time the firemen aim their fire hoses towards the middle of the lava flow instead of the leading edge, every time something doesn't melt when the lava hits it (streetlight poles are a good example), every time a dog barks at the lava and every time Tommy Lee Jones's daughter just stands there frozen like a brain dead idiot.

ILSA, THE WICKED WARDEN (1977)

Just like THE THIN MAN series before it, the ILSA series went out with a shit. A giant, smelly turd square on the face of its fans.

Once again, Ilsa is back and this time she's running a private hospital for women with sexual problems. Sounds like a noble cause, but unfortunately instead of helping these women Ilsa is filming snuff, torture and rape films and selling them to some sleazy dude.

As thrilling as that might sound, it's a absolute bore. Nothing Ilsa does to these girls is as painful as sitting through this movie. Every single one of you buttholes reading this review should send me $666 apiece for saving you the time and anguish of watching this bowel movement. I probably would have had more fun watching The Spice Girls movie. What?! You don't believe me? OK smartypants I'm putting the Spice Girls movie at the top of my Netflix queue right now. We'll see which one of these movies gives me more pain: ILSA 4 or SPICE WORLD.

A woman's sister disappears after entering Ilsa's home for wayward girls so she goes undercover and admits herself in hopes of rescuing her sister. Things go bad right from the start when she's immediately brutalized, beaten and even forced to lick another prisoner's doodie-crusted butthole. Naturally, as with all women's prison movies, the tables turn and the women rampage the shit out of everything at the end. Yawn.

Not a single female in this movie is even mildly attractive. Just look at these NSFW screenshots if you don't believe me. And even worse than the ugly chicks is the pace. The entire movie I was praying for something interesting to happen, but it never did. Skip the fuck out of this stinker and never look back.

Part 1 - Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS (1975)
Part 2 - Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks (1976)
Part 3 - Ilsa, the Tigress of Siberia (1977)

THE STAND (1994)

M-O-O-N that spells: a man-made "superflu" virus escapes from a military base and before you can say Constant Reader it's started spreading across the country killing everybody. After the initial clusterfuck, a handful of survivors around the country begin hearing messages in their dreams. Either a good message from some Jesus-loving Prophet in Nebraska or a bad message from the evil ass Randall Flagg in Las Vegas. Eventually the two armies gather and a party of four men are sent to Las Vegas to make a stand.

I really enjoy reading Stephen King books, but one thing that always drives me nuts is his reliance on the supernatural and aliens. It's pretty easy to write a story when if you ever write yourself into a corner you can just have God or a ghost or an alien fix things for you. "The Stand" is a very good example of this. "Desperation" is another...and I'm not even going to start talking about "Under the Dome". Strange thing is I still like "The Stand". At least the story idea and the outbreak part, but then when the Prophet bitch shows up and starts all her psychic God love bullshit I checked the fuck out.

But we're not here to talk about the book, we're here to discuss the movie...the extremely toned down, made-for-network-TV movie (ABC, May 8th through May 12th, 1994). With that in mind, it's passable and that's about it. Huge tracts of story are removed and for some unknown reason other portions of the book are just completely changed.  The most painful to me was the toning down of Harold's jealousy and the complete removal of The Kid and the tornado. Another thing I found extremely confusing is Rita is completely missing and her character replaced by Nadine but not really. It was fucked...I was also upset with some of the casting. The guy who played Randall was completely wrong. David Warner from TIME BANDITS would have been perfect.

If you're a fan of the book, then you'll most likely want to see the miniseries, but I found the whole thing watered-down and almost painful to get through all 359 minutes of it.  Honestly, your time would be better served reading Robert McCammon's superior "Swan Song".

THE STAND drinking game: every time somebody mentions God. You'll be passed out in your own feces by the third hour.

Adaptation 2 - The Stand (2020)

Hahaha! What the fuck?! That's the dumbest shit ever.