CENTURION (2010)

I have no idea how historically accurate this movie is and I don't care, because it was a lot of fun to watch. Set in 117 AD, CENTURION is about a Roman soldier, Michael Fassbender, stationed in a remote outpost in what I'm guessing is modern day Scotland. The inhabitants of the land, the Picts, aren't so happy about the Roman invaders, but they're doing a very good job of fighting them off by using a primitive form of guerrilla warfare. After one intense raid on the Roman fort (one Roman dude got a spear to the dick while he was pissing!), Fassbender is taken prisoner because he can speak the Pict language.

At the same time, the local governor wants to make an impression on the administration back in Rome so he sends the Ninth Legion to wipe out the Picts completely. Stuff happens and after a few exciting scenes, the Ninth has been massacred except for a captured general and seven soldiers who remain free. The soldiers head out to rescue the general. A lot more happens but you'll just have to check it out for yourself.

I really enjoyed this movie. The story was fast and entertaining as hell, strong direction, the action was awesome (this one dude gets an arrow in the back during a fight so he breaks it off and stabs the person he's fighting in the eye with it! Holy fuck!), the scenery was absolutely beautiful (make sure to watch the Extras on the DVD for more about the filming conditions), the main tracker chick was a badass and you got Michael Fassbender. I'm mean fuck what else do you want?! Hot naked chicks? Well, yeah that would have nice but it didn't happen. Sorry.

Hot naked chicks aside, if you enjoy gritty, action-packed hack and slash movies then check out CENTURION.

UNCERTAIN GLORY (1944)

WWII.  Errol Flynn is a prisoner in Nazi-controlled Paris who is literally walking out to the guillotine when an air raid blows up a bunch of shit and he escapes (kinda like in Skyrim 62 years later). After a brief taste of freedom, he's tracked down and apprehended by an Inspector (Paul Lukas). During the train ride back to Paris the Inspector reads a newspaper story about how a saboteur blew up a nearby bridge and if the saboteur isn't caught within three days the Nazis are going to execute 100 innocent men. Flynn preys on the Inspector's patriotism and tells him that he'll turn himself in as the saboteur in order to free the innocent men. He's just saying this in order to find an convenient moment to escape. How noble. But of course you would have to be a complete fucking idiot not to expect Flynn to have turn of heart by the end of the film, most likely because of a beautiful girl. And...

That's exactly what happens. How exciting. I was mildly entertained by Flynn just because I'm a fan of his acting style, but even at 102 minutes this movie seemed like it went on for like 150. I own it, because it's part of the "Errol Flynn Adventures" box set, but while I'll definitely be revisiting OBJECTIVE, BURMA! and EDGE OF DARKNESS,UNCERTAIN GLORY will never ever see that light of day again. I hope it enjoys it's spot on the shelf.

Skip it with a vengeance and take a nap instead.

THE SHAGGY DOG (1959)

"That's ridiculous. My son is not a werewolf! He's nothing more than just a big, baggy, stupid-looking shaggy dog!"

Retired mailman Fred MacMurray's teenage son Tommy Kirk is always getting into shit.  Last week, he mistakenly reported a new school employee to the cops because the fellow looked like a wanted poster Tommy saw at the post office.  Just this morning, he blasted a rocket through the roof of their house, but that's nothing compared to what happened when he read aloud the inscription on a cursed ring: he turned into the neighbor's dog!  What the fuck?  That doesn't even make sense, but who cares, I just want to be entertained.  And for an old Disney movie from 1959, THE SHAGGY DOG is pretty good.  I mean, you're not going to hurt yourself laughing, but it's still an entertaining film.

The whole switching-into-a-dog thing is never fully explained and throughout the film, Tommy randomly switches back and forth to be a dog without any rhyme or reason.  At first, it's kinda funny and he gets into all kinds of different hijinks, like turning into a dog during a dance or having his little brother trying to put a dog collar on him, but then things take a darker turn towards the end when Tommy (in dog form) discovers that his neighbor is a foreign spy!

Overall, the story is completely nuts, but the acting is good, the special effects are nice and the pace moves along quickly.  Recommended for fans of older family movies. I was especially delighted by the unexpected appearance of Strother Martin.

Part 2 - The Shaggy D.A. (1976)

Part 3 - The Return of the Shaggy Dog (1987)

Remake 1 - The Shaggy Dog (1994)

Remake 2 - The Shaggy Dog (2006)