SOUL SURVIVORS (2001)

From the time that SCREAM came out in 1996 and up until SAW came out in 2004, there was around a quarter of trillion of these college-age, beautiful people slashers. It was the worst of times, it was the dopest of times cause I deep love for watching these dorky stinkers. They’re always so cheesy. This time around we have a JACOB’S LADDER meets a kinda URBAN LEGENDS vibe…but with ghosts. It’s goddamn terrible, so naturally I own a copy and love watching this smelly turd.

A young woman, who seems to be able to do literally anything without A) making a mess of it B) drawing a lot of attention to herself or C) ending up in the hospital, somehow is accepted to a nice-looking college. On her very first day at college, she goes to some weird, dorky rave at a rundown church where they literally brand your hand to get in. What the hell? Surprisingly, there are weirdo creeps there. One weirdo creep car wreck later and our hero’s life is turned upside-down and she’s seeing ghosts all over the joint and running down two different hallways at the same exact time. It’s horrible and therefore wonderful for fans of bad movies.

Realistically, SOUL SURVIVORS is a 3 / 10, but for pure, yelling at the TV fun…it’s more like a 7 / 10. Very little blood, zero cheerleaders, zero gore, lots of bad dialogue, Casey Affleck talking with that annoying voice of his, needless story twists that add nothing to the already stupid story, extremely quick nudity, stupid as fuck ending.

MUTANT HUNT (1987)

I don't think anybody has ever mistaken MUTANT HUNT for a great movie...if they have they're a fucking idiot, but it is a fun movie (to laugh at) and sometimes that's all you need.

Set in the near future, MUTANT HUNT tells the heartwarming story of a bunch of peaceful cyborgs who like to get high. One of the side effects of a cyborg getting high is they get pleasure from killing humans. Sounds reasonable enough. Humanity's only hope at stopping these bloodthirsty "jellyheads" is tighty-whitey wearing, robot bounty hunter Matt Riker. Aaaaannd that's about it. Matt and his buddies wander around deserted industrial areas, fight a few robots, mention the "space shuttle sex massacre", eat Chinese take out, fight some punks, elbow a woman in the face and eventually locate the evil dude that drugged the cyborgs and kick his ass. The End.

Only worth watching if you're into this sort of super low budget, 80's action garbage and even then I don't recommend watching it alone. Boredom might set in. I was almost in a full blown coma by final showdown, but with some like-minded friends over you should have a fun time.

Clothing visible even though she's getting out of the shower.

I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (2006)

IAKWYDLS (or IKWYDLS3 as I like to call it) has no connection with either IKWYDLS or ISKWYDLS. There's some mention of a Fisherman legend or whatever, but that's it. The film opens with a group of nerds hanging out at a carnival. Suddenly, The Fisherman shows up and starts chasing people around. Ends up it's just a stupid prank by the teenagers, but when they find out somebody died during the prank chaos they all swear to keep the joke a secret. I'm sure you can guess what happens next? That's right, the Fisherman's ghost travels from his grave in the Caribbean all the way to Colorado to haunt these goobers and chase them around with a hook and send them text messages.

Graded against every other Slasher movie ever made in the last 10 years IAKWYDLS is about average since nearly every Slasher movie ever made in the last 10 years pretty much sucks. Poopy looking special effects, dead in the water story, annoying characters, zero gore, very little blood, silly looking bad guy and worse of all is just the way the general look of the movie. I don't know what you call that grainy/lame colour effect, but it sucked. I say skip this turkey with a vengeance and never look back. The only redeeming value IAKWYDLS has it it stars that girl from the underrated insect attack movie INFESTATION, but sadly she's totally wasted here.

Part 1 - I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)
Part 2 - I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)

More like 92 minutes, amirite?