AMERICAN NINJA (1985)

Exactly like Greta Garbo in GRAND HOTEL, American Ninja just wants to be left alone.  But, oh no, the bad guys can't have that.  One day American Ninja is driving a truck when his convoy (he's in the military) is attacked by ninjas!  American Ninja kicks a bunch of ass, but then when the colonel's daughter runs off in the jungle, he goes to save her. They fall in love. Aww! Stuff happens and American Ninja discovers that the ninjas who attacked his convoy actually work for an arms dealer who is in cahoots with his girlfriend's dad.  Lots of asskicking ensues including all kinds of awesome ninja stuff like throwing star fu, two sword stab fu, laser fu, electrician fu, fire fu, water hose fu, helicopter fu, motorcycle jumping fu, hook fu, chain fu, needle fu, climbing on moving truck fu, arrow fu, smoldering look fu, testicle squeezing fu, climbing fu, pointy stick fu, rock hard abs fu, disappearing fu, swing set fu, smoke bomb fu, hand signal fu, bucket on head fu, climbing over a railing after you've been shot fu, rocket launcher fu and so on.

Call me crazy, but I really liked this movie and had a lot of fun watching it.  The pace was quick and the story didn't waste any time on nonsense.  The film opens with a big fight scene and it's just nonstop action all the way through.  The best part is how the bad guys kept trying to kill American Ninja...by sending ninjas after him over and over! Yeah, the budget was kinda low and the fight scenes looked staged, but it's still a lot of fun.  AMERICAN NINJA ranks right up there with COMMANDO, PREDATOR and INVASION U.S.A. as some of the greatest 1980's action movies of all time.  Check it out!

Part 2 - American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)
Part 3 - American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt (1989)
Part 4 - American Ninja 4: The Annihilation (1990)
Part 5 - American Ninja 5 (1993)

 This guy climbs over the rail and falls after he got shot.

 Ninjas have lasers now!?

SALEM'S LOT (2004)

You know the story: famous writer comes back to his hometown to confront some childhood demons concerning a creepy mansion.  While there, some vampire shenanigans pop off and he takes it upon himself to kick all of those smelly bloodsuckers in their undead nuts.

I liked this version...or, at least, the first two hours.  The introduction of the town and it's citizens is done well enough.  The story is continually moving forward, but then in the last hour, everything just putters to an end.  Like the movie itself was getting sleepy.

Dated early 2000's TV-level digital effects, steady pace, good writing despite a few plot holes (why didn't the priest recognize the homeless dude in the opening scene?), unsatisfying ending, unsatisfying looking vampires, one of the lamest boss fight in movie history, Donald Sutherland doing a Max von Sydow as Leland Gaunt impersonation(?), a Cujo reference, strong cast with good acting.

Overall, it's not a bad watch (especially for a made-for-TV movie), but I can't see any reason to watch it too often.

 

Miniseries from same source material - Salem's Lot (1979)

Sequel to original miniseries - A Return to Salem's Lot (1987)

WOLF CREEK (2005)

Crikey.  Three nerds drive out to the middle of fucking nowhere Australia in their crappy car and go for a long walk.  When they finally get back to the car, it doesn't work and hey check it out some helpful, creepy looking dude shows up in his creeper truck to help. "How about I tow you off to my house in the middle of Bum Fuck Egypt and fix your crap car there?" he says.  "Sure, why the fuck not?" they reply.  Once at his crap house, that makes the shack in WRONG TURN look comfy, he drugs them and turns them into his personal playthings...or something, I don't know, since everything took place off screen.  What a boring turd.

Somewhere, I don't even know where, I got it into my brain that WOLF CREEK was suppose to be superscary and ultraviolent as fuck.  So I got a copy, stuck in the trust ol' OPPO and sat there bored out of my skull for 52 fucking minutes(!!!) until finally something sinister started to happen.  And was it superscary or ultraviolent?  Hell no.  Zero gore, very little blood, slow as molasses pace, zero nudity, low violence, non-scary bad guy who I could beat the crap out of, annoying victims I wanted to punch.  Outside of the pretty Australian countryside, I cannot think of a single reason to watch this movie.  Yeah, I'm about to say the unspeakable, but...fucking TURISTAS was better!  That's right, I said it.  TURISTAS was boring as fuck, but the pace was a little bit better and I think one of the girls might have been attractive, I can't remember.  Either way, skip the fuck out of WOLF CREEK and TURISTAS and go throw a chimp on the barbie instead.

[SPOILER!!!] If all that wasn't enough to convince you to skip this turkey: at one point one of the girls is holding a gun, she actually knocks the killer dude unconscious and does nothing.  Just walks away.  Of course, a few minutes later he wakes up and chops off her fingers then stabs her in the spine.

Part 2 - Wolf Creek 2 (2013)