TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (2013)

Upon hearing about this latest TCM remake/reboot/sequel/whatever I figured that just like all the other remakes/reboots/sequels/whatevers, that it was gonna suck...and it did, but it wasn't quite as blasphemous towards the original as I had feared and it was pretty goddamn funny.

The opening credits montage features some altered and out of sequence moments from the original 1974 classic and uses them to setup a scene immediately after the events of the first film where somehow there was actually a bunch of people in the house besides the four that we already know about.  A lynch mob gets in a shootout with the Sawyer family and burns the house down, killing everybody except for Leatherface who escapes and a woman and her baby!  You mean there was a baby in the house the whole time?!!!  I've been to the actual house the original was filmed in and it ain't that big, so I don't know where all these people where hiding.  Anyway, so Leatherface disappears and one of the hillbilly lynch dudes kicks the mom to death, steals the baby and gives it to a friend.

Fast-forward 39 years and the baby is now in her 20's and hot as hell with a legendary ass.  She receives a letter saying that she's inherited a house from her grandmother, but that doesn't make any sense since her grandparents are already dead.  Her "parents" then confess that they're not really her parents, so she hightails it to Texas with her idiotic friends.  Once there, they see the house is actually an awesome secluded mansion in the woods.  Naturally, it's party-and-smoke-weed-time-while-listening-to-shitty-music time (ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks)...but hey!  What's behind this super-creepy hidden door?  Why I'll be damned, that's where the old lady was hiding Leatherface!  What the fuck?  That's right.  Leatherface might be 66 years-old but he's still as frisky as a puppy and ready to get this party started!  Ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks, ladies and the drinks!

So for the rest of the movie, it's just Leatherface creeping around killing people and stupid people doing stupid things.  I think my favorite was the lone cop who decides to go into the house and into the secret basement while live streaming it.  Hahahahaaaha!  Another head scratching moment was when a friend of the main girl (remember they're from outside of Texas) shoots a shotgun at Leatherface while yelling "Welcome to Texas, motherfucker!"  What does that even mean?! 

TC3D was dumb as Hell, but goddamn I laughed so hard my sides where hurting.  Who writes this shit?  Did they actually think they were making a serious movie?!  For a horror movie, it's garbage, but for laughs TC3D is a classic.  English language murdered, van flipping over, the laziest Sheriff of all time (on more than one occasion he lets people commit mass murder and he just walks away), terrible looking Leatherface masks, ladies and the drinks, chainsaw tossing, zero nudity (which is sad since the two main girls were beautiful), very little gore, blood all over the joint, godawful music/sound effects, crappy looking CGI, SAW references, ladies and the drinks, Leatherface removed of any personality and now just your standard killing machine, ladies and the drinks, terrible dialogue, logic tossed out the window, stupid scene after the end credits, four cameo appearances from the original plus both Hooper and Henkel as executive producers!

Part 1 - The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
Part 2 - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)
Part 3 - Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)
Remake/Sequel - Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)
Reboot 1 - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Reboot prequel - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)
Prequel - Leatherface (2017)
Direct sequel to original - Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

DROP DEAD GORGEOUS (1999)

If you enjoy fake documentaries, then you need to watch DROP DEAD GORGEOUS.  DDG is a very funny 90's fake documentary about a teenage beauty pageant in the small Jesus-lovin' town of Mount Rose, Minnesota.  The film crew is there to follow some of the participants and organizers of the pageant, but they get more than they bargained for when some of the people involved start ending up dead or seriously injured in bizarre accidents.  As serious as that sounds, it all comes off light-hearted thanks to the clever writing and the excellent acting by a cast that clearly gets what the filmmakers were going for.

Murder, half-melted hand fused into a beer can, tap dancing, SOYLENT GREEN humor, dead bodies, a young Amy Adams looking hot as Hell, incorrect subtitles on the DVD, tons of quotable lines, explosions, a "polyester meteor", vomiting, singing.  DDG is a lot of fun...till the end when it kinds drops off for some reason, but still, even at only 85% funny it's a great film and definitely worth a watch for fans of stuff like "Reno 911" and A MIGHTY WIND.

THE ATOMIC KID (1954)

Two dummies, I'm talking DUMB AND DUMBER dumb, are wandering around out in the desert looking for uranium when they stumble across a house out in the middle of nowhere.  The house is fully furnished, but it only has mannequins in it so they think that it's a model home.  Yeah, in the middle of the desert.  The one dummy (Robert Strauss) takes the car to go into town to go find help while the other dummy (Mickey Rooney) stays at the house.  Why?!  Why don't they both go?  Anyway, the house is actually at the location of an atomic bomb test that's about to take place. 

The bomb explodes and despite Rooney only being a few hundred yards away from the explosion he somehow lives.  He's taken to a military hospital for treatment and observation.  Naturally his beautiful nurse (played by Rooney's real-life wife at the time...he's had eight total!) falls in love with him, but they have to take it slow because anytime they start to get down to knockin' boots his Geiger counter/watch starts clicking and he might explode.  Hardy-har-har.  But that's not all of the excitement!  Oh no.  There's also a Russia spy out to get information about Rooney.  Hilarious.

Maybe back in 1954 this was a real side-splitter, but I doubt it.  It wasn't funny then and it's even less funny now.  The only giggle I got out of the entire movie was the ridiculously over the top scream Rooney did when he got hit by the kitchen door.  Other than that I was pretty bored.

Not a bad film, but the story is so lazy and juvenile that it was completely lost on me.  Elaine Davis was very beautiful though.