HOUSE (1985)

Seventy-three percent of the money HOUSE made should be attributed to that legendary poster artwork. As a horror kid nerd back in the 1980’s, I remember seeing it for the first time and tripping out! It looked so fucking rad! Then, the movie came out and it blew dead dogs. Man, we skipped school for this shit?! Fuck.

A formally successful writer is having a hard time writing his next novel due to his only child disappearing, his wife divorcing him, the aunt who raised him committing suicide and him now moving into her large haunted house. Even worse is he has two extremely annoying neighbors who somehow feel they have the right to just waltz into his house anytime they feel like it 24/7. Shit is fucking nuts. At one point, ol boi is investigating a strange sound in an upstairs bedroom at midnight and his neighbor literally comes walking in the room holding some beer!

I don’t know, the whole movie is just a mess. It advertises itself as a horror movie, but in reality, it’s a goofy comedy with nothing remotely funny happening ever. Okay pacing, dated special effects, a way overly complicated story, mediocre acting, weak ending, non-threatening monsters, zero gore, zero nudity. I have absolutely no idea how this movie ended up being rated R. Worth a watch if your curious, but nothing at all to get excited about.

Part 2 - House II: The Second Story (1987)
Part 3 - House III: The Horror Show (1989)
Part 4 - House IV (1992)

Google Maps

SATANICO PANDEMONIUM (1975)

One day the virtuous Sister Maria is picking flowers outside the convent when suddenly she sees the Devil (in human form) naked as a jaybird. She runs away but it's too late because she's already caught in his spell and soon goes bonkers.  Her rejection of Christ rampage starts out innocently enough with Maria throwing her prayer book on the floor and a little sinful licking, but before you know it she's killing other nuns and even rapes the stable boy before burning him to death!

SATANICO PANDEMONIUM maybe not as wild as some in the "nunsploitation" genre, but it's still an entertaining 70's flick with a medium pace, good acting, mild violence, nice sets and a story that might(?) not even be that offensive to open-minded Christians, (except for the nudity) thanks to Lucifer himself being blamed for everything.

Worth a watch for fans of such things, but nothing to get overly excited about. If you need me I'll be in my room trying to figure out how that one guy in the poster is not burning the shit out of his hand on that funnel.

MIAMI CONNECTION (1987)

It ain't no DEADLY PREY, but MIAMI CONNECTION is still an enjoyable "so bad it's good" low budget, lower talent 80's actioner about a club band, Dragon Sound, who get caught up in a war against the band that previously played at the club and a gang of cocaine running ninjas.  There's also some drama about the lone female's jealous brother and the keyboard players lost father.

As far as 80's action movies go, MIAMI CONNECTION is shitty, but time has actually been kind to it and watching it nowadays it's fun to laugh at the amateurish action scenes, the silly 80's fashions and just how upbeat these dorks are!  I don't know if there's a nitrous oxide leak at their house (yes, they all live together) or what, but these fuckers are always in a good mood.  At one point this one dude gets some good news in the mail, so the other four come running outside and begin carrying him around the front yard on their shoulders!  Who does that? 

Piss poor acting, goofy 80's fashions, an initial quick pace that actually slowed down as the film goes on, multiple unintentionally funny moments that you'll have to rewind and watch over, two musical numbers early on but then nothing for the remainder of the film, a guy and 20 of his closest friends picking his sister up at college, buns that are unlike the ones they make at the bakery, stupid cocaine, toe-to-nose kung fu, dismemberment, nudists for Jesus, bad lighting and some horrific topless scenes that left me wishing I was watching an Andy Sidaris flick instead.