HOUSE (1985)

Overly-convoluted haunted house story about a struggling writer (William Katt) who returns to his childhood home (that is now haunted) to write an autobiographical novel about his experiences in the Vietnam War.  That alone should be enough story to fill a solid well-written ghost story movie, but no...on top of that Katt is coming to terms with the suicide of his grandmother and a recent divorce that stemmed from the disappearance of their child!  Jesus!  But even worse than all of that are his two annoying neighbors!!!  First off, you got Norm from "Cheers" constantly pestering Katt and poking into his business (even calling Katt's ex-wife!) and the woman from across the street that goes swimming in Katt's pool (without permission) and then simply dumps off her child and leaves!  What the hell?

I'd be willing to forgive the needless story elements and maybe even the annoying neighbors if HOUSE delivered a scary as Hell ghost story, but that doesn't happen.  Not even close.  Instead of actually being scary, HOUSE is a weak horror comedy without any laughs.  The best thing HOUSE has going for it is that awesome poster, a brief appearance by Mindy Sterling and some 80's nostalgia.  Other than that I was bored for the entire movie.  Zero gore, zero blood, zero nudity, average looking monsters, boring ghost world, beautiful house, weak ending, low violence.  Somehow, HOUSE was rated R, but it could probably pass for PG nowadays.

I sat down to watch HOUSE hoping to enjoy a cool 80's horror flick like NIGHT OF THE CREEPS or FRIGHT NIGHT, but ended up being bored into fits of explosive yawning.  Now I remember why I only watched this once back in 1986 and never watched it again!  Skip it.

Part 2 - House II: The Second Story (1987)
Part 3 - The Horror Show (1989)
Part 4 - House IV (1992)

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SATANICO PANDEMONIUM (1975)

One day the virtuous Sister Maria is picking flowers outside the convent when suddenly she sees the Devil (in human form) naked as a jaybird. She runs away but it's too late because she's already caught in his spell and soon goes bonkers.  Her rejection of Christ rampage starts out innocently enough with Maria throwing her prayer book on the floor and a little sinful licking, but before you know it she's killing other nuns and even rapes the stable boy before burning him to death!

SATANICO PANDEMONIUM maybe not as wild as some in the "nunsploitation" genre, but it's still an entertaining 70's flick with a medium pace, good acting, mild violence, nice sets and a story that might(?) not even be that offensive to open-minded Christians, (except for the nudity) thanks to Lucifer himself being blamed for everything.

Worth a watch for fans of such things, but nothing to get overly excited about. If you need me I'll be in my room trying to figure out how that one guy in the poster is not burning the shit out of his hand on that funnel.

MIAMI CONNECTION (1987)

It ain't no DEADLY PREY, but MIAMI CONNECTION is still an enjoyable "so bad it's good" low budget, lower talent 80's actioner about a club band, Dragon Sound, who get caught up in a war against the band that previously played at the club and a gang of cocaine running ninjas.  There's also some drama about the lone female's jealous brother and the keyboard players lost father.

As far as 80's action movies go, MIAMI CONNECTION is shitty, but time has actually been kind to it and watching it nowadays it's fun to laugh at the amateurish action scenes, the silly 80's fashions and just how upbeat these dorks are!  I don't know if there's a nitrous oxide leak at their house (yes, they all live together) or what, but these fuckers are always in a good mood.  At one point this one dude gets some good news in the mail, so the other four come running outside and begin carrying him around the front yard on their shoulders!  Who does that? 

Piss poor acting, goofy 80's fashions, an initial quick pace that actually slowed down as the film goes on, multiple unintentionally funny moments that you'll have to rewind and watch over, two musical numbers early on but then nothing for the remainder of the film, a guy and 20 of his closest friends picking his sister up at college, buns that are unlike the ones they make at the bakery, stupid cocaine, toe-to-nose kung fu, dismemberment, nudists for Jesus, bad lighting and some horrific topless scenes that left me wishing I was watching an Andy Sidaris flick instead.