SEX IS ZERO 2 (2007)

Well, I still haven't figured out what the title SEX IS ZERO means, but I did like this movie better than the original. Most of the characters are back (there's even a new and improved main girl), a lot of the jokes are rehashed, very little nudity and the story is that same bizarre half funny/half depressing mixture, but for whatever reason I enjoyed this outing. Maybe the characters are starting to grow on me.

The dweeb from the first movie is still in school and even though he's a complete dork he has yet another hot girlfriend! She's beautiful, has a great personality and is completely dedicated to him, but her mother hates him and wants to set her daughter up with a handsome, successful lawyer instead. The other stories revolve around the guys training for a MMA tournament and the girls training for the swimming championship...there's also a new sexy swim coach that catches the eye of the guy with the psychotic girlfriend. That story was actually funny. On the depressing side of things, you have an attempted suicide, a really sad breakup scene and the even sadder accidental meeting afterwards.

Overall, a fun movie and I think the best improvement over the original was the new girl. The older girl was beautiful, but I really liked this girl's character and that added a new dynamic to the film: me actually caring what happened to the characters. One thing I did find disturbing was the repeated occurrence of guys sticking stuff up other guy's buttholes. What the fuck?

Part 1 - Sex Is Zero (2002)

THE PERFECT STORM (2000)

A group of fishermen (each with a heart of gold so pure that the mere sweat off their manly brows could cure a blind, one-armed orphan with terminal butt cancer) go fishing out in the ocean. They catch some fish and when they turn around to go back...there's the biggest hurricane in the history of the Universe standing between them and the mainland. They were warned multiple times that this storm is fucking huge, but goddamn it, the ice machine has conked out and they gotta get these future fish sticks to market!  Stat!  Fifty foot waves be damned!!! You can probably guess what happens next...that's right, Marky Mark uses the Shining to communicate to his wife onshore. 

When it comes to pure Hollywoodized excessively sentimental unicornshit, it doesn't get much sappier than THE PERFECT STORM. From the very beginning of the movie, the musical score was swelling and each character introduced was even more faultless and contrived than the last one. By the 15-minute mark I actually started profusely lactating what appeared (and tasted) to be strawberry milk! True story. Speaking of true stories, this movie was based on a true story. I've done zero minutes of research, but I'm pretty goddamn sure that most of the bullshit in this movie was bullshit. Like when the fishing boat did a barrel roll and survived or the scene were the boat was damn near vertical and George Clooney was still standing. I doubt that happened in real life.

That said, this movie was a lot of fun to laugh at. Everybody had horrible New England accents, Marky Mark and George Clooney had dueling whiskers (I even hoped, I mean, thought they were going to kiss at one point), people risked their lives left and right to save others, nonstop swelling music, tons of crying, cliches on top of cliches, painful dialogue and the best part? The failed attempt to make the audience give a fuck about the crew of the boat. I loved how each one was portrayed to be so pure of heart and saintly that they made Norman Borlaug look like fucking Hitler, but yet they were still selfish enough to go fishing after being warned repeatedly not to do so and then, even after looking at the weather bulletin, they vote to drive through the storm! That aspect right there removes any emotional connection that I might have actually had to the characters...no matter how immaculate they each were.  I guess God just wanted his angels back in Heaven.

Check it out with some friends and laugh.

True story (from my imagination): In the original cut of the movie, in the scene were George Clooney ghost rides the boat whip up the tidal wave halfpipe, somebody screams "Fuuuccck!  It's the perfect storm, bitchez!!!"

If Jesus had been on the Titanic it would have looked like this.

THE LAST LOVECRAFT: RELIC OF CTHULHU (2009)

Mildy-humorous Lovecraft comedy about a nerd who is the last living descendant of the Howard Phillips Lovecraft. He doesn't know this until a man comes to him from the Council and tells him he must protect this sacred relic from the followers of Cthulhu. Naturally, instead of just going to a bank and putting it in a safety deposit box the nerd and his two nerd buddies drive out to the desert to look for a retired sea captain who was once "fish-raped". Low-budget action and a few actually funny jokes ensue.

For a movie with probably a smaller budget than a episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", this movie is better than expected and the writing is good. Not great, but good. I was kinda disappointed in the lack of a big showdown fight and very disappointed in the absence of a cute female love interest, especially since this dude is the last living descendant of Lovecraft then it would be wise if the filmmakers maybe added a potential girlfriend to help carry on the bloodline (and the sequels). Also, it would add an extra layer to the story.

Complaints aside, I enjoyed the movie and even though I would never watch it again, I am interested in seeing a sequel if they make one. At only 78 minutes it's an easy, fun watch. If you like stuff like Buffy and Lovecraft then you'll be amused.

Sounds like somebody watched BOOTY CALL recently.

MYSTERY STREET (1950)

Highly entertaining police procedural about a small town cop (Ricardo Montalban) who's trying to solve the murder of a prostitute. All he has to go on is some bones that washed up on the beach. He takes the bones to Harvard Medical School and from what he learns there he starts his investigation. Who the bones belong to, how she ended up missing and whether she was murdered or not and if so by who? Of course all kinds of roadblocks arise including and lying witness and a landlady who's looking to blackmail the killer!

The story was well-written (it was even nominated for an Oscar), but the most surprising thing to me about the film is how wonderful Ricardo Montalban was. I've always known him to be a good actor, but he was really good here portraying the driven detective who starts to have internal doubts about the case. A lot of what goes on with his character is unspoken and Ricardo does an excellent job relaying all of that to the viewer. I kept finding myself wishing that they'd made an entire series of these crime dramas centered around his character.

As far as film noir goes MYSTERY STREET isn't a dark film filled with deep shadows. It's really just more of a mystery/crime drama, but who's cares? It's a great film and it would make an excellent double feature with T-MEN.