ILSA, THE WICKED WARDEN (1977)

Just like THE THIN MAN series before it, the ILSA series went out with a shit. A giant, smelly turd square on the face of its fans.

Once again, Ilsa is back and this time she's running a private hospital for women with sexual problems. Sounds like a noble cause, but unfortunately instead of helping these women Ilsa is filming snuff, torture and rape films and selling them to some sleazy dude.

As thrilling as that might sound, it's a absolute bore. Nothing Ilsa does to these girls is as painful as sitting through this movie. Every single one of you buttholes reading this review should send me $666 apiece for saving you the time and anguish of watching this bowel movement. I probably would have had more fun watching The Spice Girls movie. What?! You don't believe me? OK smartypants I'm putting the Spice Girls movie at the top of my Netflix queue right now. We'll see which one of these movies gives me more pain: ILSA 4 or SPICE WORLD.

A woman's sister disappears after entering Ilsa's home for wayward girls so she goes undercover and admits herself in hopes of rescuing her sister. Things go bad right from the start when she's immediately brutalized, beaten and even forced to lick another prisoner's doodie-crusted butthole. Naturally, as with all women's prison movies, the tables turn and the women rampage the shit out of everything at the end. Yawn.

Not a single female in this movie is even mildly attractive. Just look at these NSFW screenshots if you don't believe me. And even worse than the ugly chicks is the pace. The entire movie I was praying for something interesting to happen, but it never did. Skip the fuck out of this stinker and never look back.

Part 1 - Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS (1975)
Part 2 - Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks (1976)
Part 3 - Ilsa, the Tigress of Siberia (1977)

THE STAND (1994)

M-O-O-N that spells: a man-made "superflu" virus escapes from a military base and before you can say Constant Reader it's started spreading across the country killing everybody. After the initial clusterfuck, a handful of survivors around the country begin hearing messages in their dreams. Either a good message from some Jesus-loving Prophet in Nebraska or a bad message from the evil ass Randall Flagg in Las Vegas. Eventually the two armies gather and a party of four men are sent to Las Vegas to make a stand.

I really enjoy reading Stephen King books, but one thing that always drives me nuts is his reliance on the supernatural and aliens. It's pretty easy to write a story when if you ever write yourself into a corner you can just have God or a ghost or an alien fix things for you. "The Stand" is a very good example of this. "Desperation" is another...and I'm not even going to start talking about "Under the Dome". Strange thing is I still like "The Stand". At least the story idea and the outbreak part, but then when the Prophet bitch shows up and starts all her psychic God love bullshit I checked the fuck out.

But we're not here to talk about the book, we're here to discuss the movie...the extremely toned down, made-for-network-TV movie (ABC, May 8th through May 12th, 1994). With that in mind, it's passable and that's about it. Huge tracts of story are removed and for some unknown reason other portions of the book are just completely changed.  The most painful to me was the toning down of Harold's jealousy and the complete removal of The Kid and the tornado. Another thing I found extremely confusing is Rita is completely missing and her character replaced by Nadine but not really. It was fucked...I was also upset with some of the casting. The guy who played Randall was completely wrong. David Warner from TIME BANDITS would have been perfect.

If you're a fan of the book, then you'll most likely want to see the miniseries, but I found the whole thing watered-down and almost painful to get through all 359 minutes of it.  Honestly, your time would be better served reading Robert McCammon's superior "Swan Song".

THE STAND drinking game: every time somebody mentions God. You'll be passed out in your own feces by the third hour.

Adaptation 2 - The Stand (2020)

Hahaha! What the fuck?! That's the dumbest shit ever.

A SERBIAN FILM (2010)

You've heard the hype, so is A SERBIAN FILM as gruesome and fucked as everybody says? Probably, it's pretty fucked, but the tone of the movie wasn't mean-spirited at all, so that lessens the impact of the cruelty displayed onscreen. The biggest surprise for me though wasn't the "newborn porn" or the other depraved sex acts, but the fact that the lead character was played by Srdjan Todorovic from one of my favorite movies ever: BLACK CAT, WHITE CAT! That's fucking awesome!!!

Srdjan plays a semi-retired porn star, Milos, who has a nice-sized dong and has the ability to pop a rock hard boner instantly any time and maintain it for as long as he wants. Years earlier Milos was a big star in the porn world, but now he has a wife and kid that he loves dearly (that's never a good sign in a movie like this). He dreams of escaping to another country, but he doesn't have the money. Then a deal comes along that he can't pass up: star in a mysterious porno and get paid a large sum of money. Reluctantly, he agrees and very soon realizes that these dudes are completely fucked. Is there anyway that he can safely get out?

I liked the film, but not enough to recommend anything more than a one time watch. Technically it was much better than I expected it to be - the cinematography was quite impressive, the make up/effects looked good and the acting was good - but the whole film relies too heavily on the shock value and while that makes it fun during the first viewing I can't see how you could get any enjoyment out of watching it more than once or twice.

That said, Srdjan Todorovic was really good and his involvement alone is worth watching the movie. I just wish more of his stuff was available in America.

Side note: if you're interested in recent Cinema from this neck of the woods check out ZIFT. I really liked that movie a lot.

[SPOILERS!!!]
For those keeping score, here's the scorecard as I remember it:

• lots of tits
• a fair amount of dongs (real or not I don't know)
• naked pregnant woman giving birth then baby instantly raped (to death I presume) while mother smiles.
• naked woman doggy-styled then head chopped off and her corpse fucked
• numerous funny porno scenes
• brother getting his dick sucked by hooker while he watch a video of his brother's kid's birthday party
• father accidentally raping his young son's asshole while his brother rapes his wife
• guy punching woman in the face while she sucks his dick and a young girl sits nearby in a "Alice in Wonderland" dress smiling
• woman has teeth pulled out with pliers (offscreen) and then facefucked to death (onscreen)
• drugged guy raped in butthole by another guy
• guy has a boner rammed through his eyehole and into his brain killing him (highlight of the movie)

I think that's it.