A FROZEN FLOWER (2008)

Way the fuck back like 700 years or so there was a King. He was raised to be King and his palace guards are some dudes that were actually raised from childhood to protect him at all costs. Among the kids was a dude named Hong Lim and at a very young age the King took him underneath his wing and raised him as a friend/lover. Of course when he became of age the King took a wife, but they never had children because he was unable. The King is under intense pressure from the Emperor and others to produce a prince that will continue the royal dynasty.

So, since he cannot have children, the King talks to Hong Lim about secretly banging out the Queen and makin babies! At first Hong Lim is deeply troubled over this, but since he loves the King so much he reluctantly agrees and wouldn't you know it, the Queen and him even though they start off cold before long they're having a heated love affair. The King grows suspicious...

I have zero idea if any of this is actually historically accurate or not and I don't care. It was a engaging story and for the first 90 minutes I was really into it, but by time the 130 minute mark rolled by I was really for it to fucking end. I really think a better director could have streamlined the story and beefed up the character development a little better. Still it's a good movie, nothing to get all excited over, but I would probably watch it again. Recommended, if you're into this type of movies. Of all the performances I thought Ju Jin Mo as the King was the best. He was very tender at the beginning, but eventually got more and more bitter as events unfolded...what a departure from his role in 200 POUND BEAUTY! Wow.

A few NSFW screenshots.

ESCAPE FROM L.A. (1996)

"You may have escaped from New York, but this is L.A., vato."

August 23, 2000.  A massive earthquake separates Los Angeles from mainland America.  The hardcore Christian President turns the new island into a prison where anybody who doesn't fit into his idea of a perfect Christian nation (kweers, atheists, drug users,dogs and cats who live together, etc.) is exiled permanently.  Logistically, that doesn't even make sense, but whatever.

Fast-forward to 2013 and the President's hot daughter is brainwashed via virtual reality by a revolutionary leader who lives on the Island of Los Angeles. He has her steal a top secret super weapon called the "Sword of Damocles" and deliver it to him. So now it's up to the government to sneak a dude onto the island to locate the President's daughter and return the weapon. That's where soon to be transported to Manhattan, I mean, Los Angeles prisoner and ex-special forces soldier "Snake" Plissken comes in. Yep, that's right.  It's the same fucking story as the original film, except this time instead of Manhattan it's L.A.

Surfing, playing basketball, hang gliding, walking on a treadmill...this movie is definitely weird.  A good way to briefly describe ESCAPE FROM L.A. is there's a short scene where Snake is walking near a road and a car drives by with a dude hanging out of the window shooting a gun while blaring Sugar Ray.  Yes, Sugar Ray.  Snake then turns around to walk off.  The sound of thunder is heard while a bright light flashes from behind a nearby bush.  (It's almost like that awesome non-gun drive by two years later in DISTURBING BEHAVIOR with the non-threatening dudes and that Sesame Street music blaring.)

All things considered, ESCAPE FROM L.A. isn't much worse than the already overrated ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK. Cheesier yes, but laughing at it actually adds the much needed entertainment the original lacked.  Based purely on entertainment, EFLA is barely passable.  The story is weak, the look of the whole thing is garbage, the entire movie is a night, zero nudity, zero gore, zero blood, the action scenes are forgettable, the dialogue is rubbish.  Honestly, the biggest entertainment comes from the surprising cast and simply laughing at...everything.  Especially the story and the special effects.

Part 1 - Escape from New York (1981)

ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK (1981)

In 1997, America is all fucked up and the crime rate is so high the government has converted Manhattan into a prison, complete with guarded 50 foot high walls around the perimeter. There are no rules. The cops just dump the prisoners and split. They don't care what happens as long as it stays inside...but all of that changes when, thanks to some terrorists, Air Force One carrying President Donald Pleasence crashes inside.

The coppers go in to get him, but only find his empty escape pod. The inmates have taken him hostage and instruct them to leave or the President dies. Plan B: convince soon-to-be-transported-to-Manhattan prisoner and ex-special forces soldier "Snake" Plissken to go in and save the President (and a super important cassette tape that he's carrying) within 24 hours. How do they convince him? By placing explosives inside of his neck.  That'll do it.

So anyway Snake goes in and...it's kinda boring. He walks around a lot and talks to some people. Eventually he punches some punks, gets captured and forced to fight a giant dude with a spiked baseball bat, but even that is boring cause the fight is only like two minutes long.  More talking and more running around happens until Snake finally a hold of the President.  Now he must escape from New York.

I've heard tons of hype about this movie being totally badass.  I can see how the idea for this movie is awesome, but the reality of it isn't all that great. It's pretty boring and considering how it came out the same year as THE ROAD WARRIOR it doesn't doesn't have any excuse not to be badass.  I'm sure all kinds of fanboys are vomiting tears and punching their computers right now, but it's true. ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK is not action-packed and it looks pretty goddamn cheap.

Worth a watch once just to see what all the hype is about, but I can't imagine wanting to watch it multiple times. Very little violence, no gore, very little tension, zero nudity (unless you count Kurt Russell's nipples or that extremely quick scene in the theater), impressive cast including some uncredited voice acting by Jamie Lee Curtis as the narrator / computer, a gun equipped with a silencer making a lot of noise, a Cadillac with chandeliers on the hood, dated as fuck special effects, important information being carried on a cassette tape despite it being 1997.

If you need me, I'll be in my room watching the next Carpenter-Russell collaboration instead...THE THING.  Or maybe re-reading that escape the store chapter from Robert McCammon's "Swan Song".

Part 2 - Escape From L.A. (1996)