Wednesday, November 9, 2011

ESCAPE FROM L.A. (1996)

After a massive earthquake separates Los Angeles from mainland America, the hardcore Christian President turns the new island into a prison where anybody who doesn't fit into his idea of a perfect Christian nation (kweers, atheists, drug users, etc.) is exiled permanently. I told you he was hardcore.

Anyway, one day the President's daughter, the 90's hot A. J. Langer, is brainwashed via virtual reality by a revolutionary leader who lives on the Island of Los Angeles. He has her steal a top secret superweapon called the "Sword of Damocles" and deliver it to him. So now it's up to the government to sneak in a dude onto the island to steal and return the weapon. That's where soon to be transported to Manhattan, I mean, Los Angeles prisoner and ex-special forces soldier "Snake" Plissken comes in. Yep, that's right it's the same fucking story as the original film except this time instead of Manhattan it's L.A.; instead of talking occasionally Snake doesn't do much now besides use one word sentences and instead of fighting with a spike bat Snake now surfs, hang glides, drives a CGI rendered submarine, walks on a treadmill, uses a hologram device and plays basketball. Who the hell wrote this shit? Cerealiously. WTF? I could write a better script only using my anus! And last time I tested my anus it could only type 19 wpm, so it would take a very long time.

All things considered EFLA isn't that much more terrible than EFNY. Cheesier yes, but laughing at it adds the much needed entertainment the original lacked.  Based purely on action movie entertainment, EFLA is still pretty shitty. All of the action scenes are boring and forgettable, the story is stale, the CGI looks goofy as fuck, zero nudity, very little blood (if any) and the acting is poop. Unless you're feeling nostalgic about the 90's and in desperate need of a laugh, I say forget it.

ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK