BUG (1975)

A earthquake in a small desert town releases a bunch of nasty-looking bugs that have been trapped way down in the Earth for god only knows how long. The bugs don't take over the town KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS-style or grow really big EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS-style. No, they're pretty happy just standing around doing pretty much nothing. You can pick 'em up and touch them. If you pester them too much they might spit out some fire at you, but that's about it. To make matters even more non-threatening, around the 56 minute mark all of the bugs, except one, die off due to atmospheric pressure.  How...exciting.

As Fate would have it, the last bug is captured by a professor (Bradford Dillman) who keeps the bug alive in a pressurized chamber.  He even goes so far as to breed the bug with a roach. The bug has some freaky babies and those babies have even freakier babies. Oh yeah, the professor isn't doing this in a lab, but in a goddamn shack out in the middle of the desert. Being an idiot, the professor handles the bugs barehanded and never secures their cage properly, so they're constantly getting out and even pass the time by writing him messages on the wall. Unfortunately, none of the messages say anything like "Hey, do something entertaining!" because the last 40 minutes of this movie are pure torture. Nothing happens. The guy talks into a microphone, the bugs crawl around...repeat that same scenario over and over until the stupid ending that made absolutely zero sense.

How was this movie even made? Did nobody during the making of this film once say "You know what? There's nothing going on in this movie! Why would anybody want to see it? Maybe we should have something happen!"? Obviously not. It blows my mind that not only could somebody write a script this terrible and not die of shame, but then be able to find people willing to put money into it!!! How does this even happen?!

I'm tired of talking about it. Let's just get on with our lives and forget this ever happened.

THE GREAT TEXAS DYNAMITE CHASE (1976)

[Update 01/12/2024: For 12 years(!!!) I've had a short and simple review up for this movie. But I have recently been threatened with legal action due to my (mostly positive) thoughts about the film. So, that said, I am removing the innocent opinions that came out of my handsome brain and replacing them with a blank (and I hope legal) empty space. Enjoy!]

Texas flag upside down.

SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE III (1990)

The SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE series slammed a car door on its dick with this one. It's the same ol' story: girls have a slumber party, boys crash, creepy things happen, sex is had, driller killer starts killing people, female survivors fight back...but for whatever reason I didn't enjoy this one as much as the previous two. The first one was kinda serious and innocent, the second one was weird and a lot of fun, but this one is boring and cheap-looking. It felt really uninspired.

I'm not sure if the film makers understood what fans of this type of movies really want. We want hot chicks (this is extremely important) in skimpy pajamas, nighties, shorts, whatever doing girlie stuff and partying and getting naked, then some silly boys come over (the stoner dude from Part 2 was hilarious), sexual shenanigans happen (on screen), creepy stuff happens and the killer (who's a total badass like Jason Voorhees) shows up and massacres the living shit out of everybody. Blood and gore and naked tits everywhere. Unfortunately, in SPM3 all we get is some unattractive 30-year-old looking teenagers acting like dorks until the boring as hell driller killer shows up. He's a total pussy but for whatever reason the other victims literally stand there (for fucking minutes!!!!!!) while the guy eventually kills some people. It's goddamn ridiculous.

My advise: watch Part 1 and 2 and just skip 3. It's not horrible, but a week after you watch it you won't remember a damn thing except that it was boring. Skip it.

I'm kinda surprised that the SPM series didn't go any further than this. The story idea is simple and anybody with even a above average imagination could pump these scripts out on a weekly basis. And as long as you make sure to have really attractive girls, a nice amount of T&A, memorable characters and graphic violence the movie would make money. It seems like a cash cow just waiting to be milked.

Part 1 - The Slumber Part Massacre (1982)
Part 2 - Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)