A FIRE IN THE SKY (1978)

Astronomers discover that a comet is headed straight for Earth. They tell the proper authorities, but they refuse to listen. Why won't they listen?!!!!!

Astronomer Richard Crenna insists that the comet, named Jenny [yes, I typed that out in Forrest Gump's voice], is going to hit Phoenix and that everybody needs to be evacuated immediately because there's only 8 days until the impact. Of course, it wouldn't be much of a movie if that happened, so instead AFITS branches off into a number of different stories covering people from all walks of life living their lives totally unaware that in a weeks time they're going to get blasted to smithereens. You got the young couple in love and her snobby parents don't approve; Merlin Olsen leading some kids on a hike out in the desert; the concerned mother of one of the kids (since they didn't take a radio with them); the astronomers; various town folk and then an investigative reporter versus the politicians, but to throw a monkey wrench into the situation her husband is in cahoots with the politicians and he's cheating on her!!! Talk about having a bad week!

Tightly constructed script, fairly impressive special effects for a 70's TV movie, interesting characters, above average acting, 70's clothes, plenty of drama. I enjoyed the hell out of this movie and the two and a half hour runtime flew by! Some people might be turned off by the lack of action, but for me the story was interesting enough and I kinda liked seeing a film that focused more on the human than the destruction.

If you can find it I say check it out. I'll definitely be watching my copy again.  Also, Lloyd Nolan is credited on IMDb as being in the film as "Doctor", but I can't find him for the life of me and I don't see his name on the opening or closing credits.

Older sister from SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE II.

SECTOR 7 (2011)

Next time you hear somebody talking shit about Michael Bay just point them in the direction of SECTOR 7. The shear over the top ridiculousness of this film makes Bay's ARMAGEDDON look almost quaint.

The story is about the crew of an offshore drilling platform (there's only like 10 people, I would imagine it takes much more to keep one of those things going) versus a monster. When the film opens, they don't know about the monster so they have time to do shit like cooking out and motorcycle racing. Finally the monster shows up and it looks like a giant mutated seal with tentacles! Later on when it gets burned up it looks like a mutated buffalo wing! Also it roars nonstop. It could have killed these losers a dozen times over if it would've quit roaring every five seconds. So for the remainder of the movie it roars its way around the platform nonstop until I wanted to commit suicide. The level of shittiness in this movie is beyond my writing skill to explain.

The story goes nowhere, there was so much CG bullshit going on they might as well just made the movie animated, sensitive music, terrible acting, crappy rock music, slow motion sensitive scenes, silly looking monster, zero nudity, zero gore, zero blood, zero suspense, zero fucks given about making a good movie. Skip the fuck out of this job monster turkey.

If you need me I'll be in my room watching THE ABYSS.

I thought you needed eye protection while welding?

HUMAN PORK CHOP (2001)

When I sat down to watch this film I was guessing from the title that it was going to be about some THE UNTOLD STORY-style restaurant serving human pork chops, but no. Instead, the story is about a prostitute who steals money from her pimp.  When he and his two henchmen catch up with her, they hold her hostage in their shitty apartment and torture her to death over the course of a month. Sounds gruesome and in the hands of the right director this story would be absolutely devastating. Unfortunately, Benny Shun was not the right director because this movie ate more dicks than a cannibal at a Richard Convention.

To begin with it's hard to believe HUMAN PORK CHOP was made in 2001. If it wasn't for the cell phones I would have guessed the mid-80's! Added to the dated look of the film, there's zero nudity, the pace is yawn inducing and the violence looks like crap! Yeah, the bad guys are mean-spirited assholes, but the audience is too busy giggling at the middle school level special effects to be disturbed by anything that's going on onscreen. Also, the flashbacks were distracting.

After watching the film I found out HUMAN PORK CHOP is actually based on a real life murder: the 1999 "Hello Kitty Murder". And there's another film, THERE IS A SECRET IN MY SOUP, based on the same crime.  Maybe that movie is better, but I honestly don't care enough to find out.

Skip the shit out it and never look back.