U-571 (2000)

U-571 is probably about as historically correct as THE LAST STARFIGHTER, but I don't care.  If you go into a movie starring Matthew McConaughey and Jon Bon Jovi expecting historical accuracy you're gonna be in for a bad time.

Set in the early days of America's involvement in WWII, there's a German submarine containing a extremely important coding machine.  The Americans will do anything to get it so they dress up one of their own subs to look like a Nazi one and send it in under the disguise of being a Nazi rescue ship.  I'm not gonna give too much away, but things don't go quite as planned and non-Captain McConaughey has to commandeer the Nazi ship and limp this half-broken mother back to England through Nazi infested waters.

Revisionist history complaints aside U-571 is an mildly entertaining film.  The idea for the story is pretty gripping, but the execution is only average.  I can't really put my finger on it, but despite the tight situations these guys got themselves into I never had any doubt that they would get out of it...or really even care if they got out of it.  Bon Jovi, predictable story, average action scenes, Harvey Keitel underused, dated CGI, noble sailors sacrificing themselves, lots of yelling, nearly all male cast. Worth a watch, if you're into submarine films, but overall it's pretty forgettable.  I was hoping for more.

THE RIVER WILD (1994)

I've never really thought of Meryl Streep as an action star, but here she is splashing around, leg muscles pumping while saving her family from some bad guys.

Meryl Streep loves floating around on the river, so much so she takes her twerp son, her city slicker husband and her awesome dog on a rafting trip.  Things go as expected: the son is an annoying little bastard, the husband is confused and the dog is awesome.  Then, in a plot twist that's telegraphed from the moment they get to the river, some of the other rafters are actually criminals that have just pulled off a big heist and even killed some people!  Soon, Streep and family are taken hostage by the bad guys, who want Streep to guide them past some really dangerous rapids further down the river in an attempt to out maneuver the coppers.

Zero nudity, zero gore, low violence, very little tension, zero cussing, John C. Reilly's belly, Kevin Bacon topless, beautiful scenery, Lollapalooza hat, Ministry hat, solid acting, good pace, beautiful scenery.  Maybe one day somebody will remake this with a darker storyline filled with sexual violence, wet t-shirts, no kid, ultra revenge violence, gore, a Cannibal Corpse hat and another awesome dog.

Despite some holes in the story (husband outrunning the river, John C. Reilly as threatening, etc.) I enjoyed THE RIVER WILD for what it is: a satisfying mid-90's thriller/lazy afternoon timewaster. Double-feature with SHOOT TO KILL.

THE EXORCIST (1973)

"Let Jesus fuck you, let Jesus fuck you."

For the six hundred threescore and six people out there who haven't see THE EXORCIST the story is about a young girl, Regan, who lives with her actress mother in a very nice house in Georgetown.  For the most part Regan is a normal girl, but when she starts to show small signs of behavioral abnormality, her concerned mother does the proper thing and takes her to the doctor.  The doctor runs a million test, but none of them show anything.  Regan's symptoms get a lot worse until it's evident that her problems aren't physical but more spiritual.  A exorcist is called in and the rest is film history.

I could go on for days about THE EXORCIST, but honestly, despite it's shortcoming (it's dated, the ending of the film went on for way too long, it's not as wild as people expect, etc.) the simple truth is if you're a Horror fan then Satan compels you to watch it. THE EXORCIST is mandatory viewing for all movie lovers.

P.S. Your mother sucks cocks in Hell.

Original trilogy
Part 2 - Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
Part 3 - Exorcist III (1990)

Prequel films
Exorcist: The Beginning (2004)
Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist (2005)

Sequel trilogy
Sequel 1 - The Exorcist: Believer (2023)

My favorite shot of the movie.