Friday, July 9, 2021

TWISTED ISSUES (1988)

"Hey...hey, you got something to say limp dick?!"

"Yeah, fuck you!!!"

A skater is murdered in a parking lot.  Then he comes back to life and starts killing people.

For a homemade movie, TWISTED ISSUES isn't too bad.  Trim off around 30 minutes worth of filler and it would have been much better.  But as it is, there are definitely some interesting moments to be enjoyed.  Unfortunately, to get to those moments, you gotta slog through some dead scenes that add nothing to the film itself...just the runtime.  And considering that most of the vintage advertisement for this film hyped it as an "80-minute movie!!!", that was probably the point of these scenes.

Uneven pace, bizarre lighting techniques that I actually liked a lot (shining a flashlight directly into the actors faces!), tons of distorted random clips of everything from slaughterhouse cow murders to John Waters' POLYESTER, solid acting, a dude using a backwards Chipping Hammer as a surgical device, multiple interesting time-capsule like moments (the inside of an old 7/11; the house party, etc.), old televisions, mediocre rock soundtrack by a bunch of unknown bands that I cannot imagine ever did anything, zero nudity, a little blood, eyeball removing, surrealist storytelling...and one genuinely creepy scene that I loved: a young woman is home alone flipping channels when she sees a channel showing a masked psychopath staring at the camera while standing in her own back hallway!!!  She understandable freaks the fuck out and goes running out the front door only to find him standing there.  Before she can even move, he stabs her all the way through with a sword and then walks through the house and down the back hallway, where he stops and turns towards the camera.  Welp, that fucked me up.  Going to read the Bible extra hard tonight!

Is TWISTED ISSUES worth watching?  Guess that depends on how curious you are about the lower end of low budget filmmaking.  I definitely don't regret watching it.  I mean, it's no THE ABOMINATION or anything, but then again few things are as rad as that.

Wednesday, July 7, 2021

FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF (1986)

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

High school student Ferris Bueller has a brutal life: attractive girlfriend who likes him, supportive parents who love him, a dead squirrel admiring him outside his bedroom window, a laid back high school where the entire student body thinks that "he's a righteous dude", best friend who lets him drive his dads vintage Ferrari, a nice house in a peaceful neighborhood, a cool stereo with those awesome little lights that move up and down…this motherfucker needs a day off!  So, he fakes being sick and his parents buy it.  Now he has the entire day off.  Fin.

I have many thoughts on Ferris Bueller and his eventful day off.  Everything from he kinda reminds me of a younger version of fictional serial killers Patrick Bateman and Dexter Morgan to Mia Sara would've been great in the previous years FRIGHT NIGHT, but it's probably best if I just keep it simple and say…FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF is a fun film as long as you don't look into it too deeply or take it too serious.

An insane amount of plot holes, quick pace, a post-end credits scene, GODZILLA 1985 and TEEN WOLF playing at the movie theater, wastoids, The Sausage King of Chicago, tons of great Chicago (and Los Angeles) locations, interesting soundtrack, dweebies, a nurse who's concerned about your pluck, ancient electronics, sluts, great cast full of now iconic characters.  In short, FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF is mandatory viewing for anybody interested in 1980's American Cinema. If you don't believe me just take my best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend's word for it.

If you need me, I'm gonna go sunbathe in the backyard while facing away from the Sun and then go pass out at 31 Flavors. Maybe even barf up a lung.