THE CROSS AND THE SWITCHBLADE (1970)

Many people probably don’t realize this (thanks to Obummer and the lamestream media), but New York City wasn’t always the crime-free paradise that it is today. No, siree bob. Previous to 1958 there were marijuanas, heroins, curse words and even gangs that rumbled in the park with machetes, knifes, hammers and chains (…yet nobody ever seemed to die). Bravely walking into this cesspool of sin and carnality is “skinny preacher” Pat Boone who ushered in the current age of peace by simply telling people “Jesus loves you.” (No word yet on what the other 900,000 New York City preachers were doing between 1624 and 1958.)

It might be due to the brain injury I got from an especially evil goat kicking me in my handsome brain six hundred threescore-and-six times when I was a baby lying in a manger, but I thought TCATS (meow) was a good film. It’s obviously low-budget and the acting isn't that great and the story is goddamn ridiculous, but as far as entertainment goes...THE CROSS AND THE SWITCHBLADE fucking delivers!  Steady pace, passable acting, vintage cars, interesting old clothing...including some random dancing dude wearing a shirt with a giant swastika on it, a fair amount of drug use, police showing up within seconds of fights breaking out, enjoyably funky music, completely un-PC as fuck ethnic slurs, zonked out hippies, some dude getting tossed into an open grave, hilarious dialogue ("...you say you want me to love them honkys?  Yeah, man, I'm gonna love 'em.  I'm gonna love 'em with a sharp blade!"), multiple references to prostitution, cool old NYC locations.

In the right state of mind, THE CROSS AND THE SWITCHBLADE is a blast.  I loved how arrogant Boone's character was and how pathetic the gangbangers were.  I think I was rolling my eyes and smiling the entire movie.  The only real disappointment I had was the big salvation scene at the end just wasn't epic or cheesy enough.  I was really hoping for an orgy of sinners having complete mental breakdowns while screaming "Why?  Why?  Why?" with a waterfall of tears flowing down their cheeks, but sadly, Boone's big sermon was weak and the resulting salvations were unconvincing.

Poorly written snarky commentary aside, THE CROSS AND THE SWITCHBLADE is a solid 6 out of 10.  The racist language is offensive, but other than that it's harmless enough and an important historical look at when Christian Cinema moved away from Biblical epics like THE TEN COMMANDMENTS or BEN-HUR and more into films carrying the express purpose of communicating a Christian message.

I'd totally be down to watch it again.

MAD LOVE (1935)

Dr. Peter Lorre is smart as a bitch when it comes to medical shit, but hella cray when it comes to romance. So much so that he has a life-size wax replica of his favorite actress, Frances Drake, in his crib and each night he plays sweet slow jamz to it on his organ. That’s fairly harmless in a mentally unbalanced sort of way, but Fate has a monkey turd up its sleeve when Drake’s husband, the famous ivory-tickler Colin Clive, has his hands crushed in a train wreck.  Lorre is called in to perform a medical miracle by repairing Clive’s hands, but in reality, he secretly replaces Clive’s dickbeaters with those of a recently decapitated serial killer!  Sinister shenanigans ensue.

For a movie that's older than yer great-grandpappy's ballsack MAD LOVE is still moderately creepy, but for whatever reason, it's only 68 minutes long.  I mean, 68 minutes is definitely enough time to tell a story, but right when the movie felt like it was picking up pace..it ends!  And abruptly too.  Shit's popping off, Lorre's snarling like a maniac, Drake's fearing for her life, Clive's freaking out over his murdermittens and...The End.  It was strange.  I was totally expecting another 20 minutes or so.

Still, even with the stunted runtime, MAD LOVE is an entertaining film and 100% worth watching for classic horror fans.  Quick pace, solid direction by Karl Freund (who was the cinematographer for METROPOLIS and DRACULA), neat sets that (sadly) weren't featured enough onscreen, dramatic lighting, cinematography by Gregg Toland (who would go on to win an Oscar for WUTHERING HEIGHTS then work on some movie called CITIZEN KANE), impressive supporting cast (including Keye Luke and Ian Wolfe who both have insane filmographies lasting into the 1990's!), a ghoulish story and best of all...the three leads were all great.  Recommended.