FALL (2022)

"Hashtag, super badass."

Two annoying fucks who are almost too stupid to live (as proven by Annoying Fuck #2’s driving skills) decide the best way to deal with Annoying Fuck #1’s husband’s death (due to him being a dumb fuck) is to climb a 2,000+ foot high television broadcasting tower and dump his ashes off the top. Did I mention that the tower is decommissioned and has been left to the elements for Satan only knows how long? Anyway, these dumb fucks finally get to the tower, and it looks like a death trap.  So without any gloves or even telling anybody their location, they start climbing this dilapidated pile of rust. Shit happens and about 15 “fuck that shit” comments by me later, they finally get to the small landing at the top. Once there, they do even more dumb shit and then a long section of the crappy ass ladder that looks like it came up from the wreckage of the Titanic just falls straight the fuck off the tower. Now these two idiots are stuck like Chuck without a plan, so, naturally, they start talking about their feelings.

Visually, FALL looks good enough.  It had me puckered up a number of times. I enjoyed those moments of vertigo, but goddamn, the character development and the dialogue was complete buzzard piss! I absolutely hated the two main characters. There are about 666 ways that a talented writer could get some likeable characters up a tall tower and still maintain audience sympathy, but nope. Instead, we got two annoying fucks who I wanted to dropkick into an industrial tree shredder.

Medium pace, zero gore, zero nudity, cringe dialogue overload, disappointing ending, an iPhone that somehow sends messages on its own even after failing earlier, an iPhone battery with incredible life, a drone with amazing range, somehow downloading the drone app onto your phone despite not having a signal, needless story twists that annoyed me and put me in a grumpy mood.  Grr.  Bad things aside, I did enjoy the story idea and will definitely watch another Fall film, if they decide to make another one.

Story idea for a Fall spin-off: A religious leader has a 2,000-foot tower built out of precious metals and jewels. He climbs a ladder to the top of the tower (streamed live on TV and the internet). Once at the top, the ladder falls away. He then calls for his followers pay $100 to buy a special permit for permission to commit suicide at the base of the tower in order to create a pile of bodies high enough for him to walk down. They do and once the pile is high enough, he calls in a helicopter to whisk him away. His followers praise him for being so resourceful and caring.

[Post-review comment: Yes, I did notice that my story idea from the 47 METERS DOWN review was in this movie, but I meant for it to be used in a good way. Not a lame one. Better luck next time.]

FLESH AND BULLETS (1985)

Opening with a bank robbery scene that’s told with the excitement of waiting in a traffic jam, FLESH AND BULLETS then gets on to the main part of the story...a retelling of Alfred Hitchcock’s STRANGERS ON A TRAIN. Male character #1 (I don’t care enough to look up their names) is sitting at a bar when he strikes up a conversation with male character #2. Both of the men complain about how shitty their lives are and how it's solely because of their ex-wives. Nothing at all due to do with the fact that they are both psychopathic losers. Eventually, they come to an agreement to murder each other’s wives. That way, they presume, there is no connection. You know, besides the fact that there would be two women murdered in the same town around the same time, conveniently benefitting their respective ex-husbands. Also, since both men have the I.Q. of a wet carrot that was slammed repeatedly in the door of an orange 1986 Ford Escort, I’m sure they would both pass the police interview with flying colours. What follows is a series of murder attempts that makes Michael Palin’s character in A FISH CALLED WANDA look like Agent 47. Sounds funny, but it’s not. At all.

Offensively poor editing, shit script (if there even was a script), acting that I wouldn’t even consider to be actual acting (At what point does acting become acting and not just reciting lines?), audio that sounds like it was recorded from a microphone in a different room, horrible lighting, a Maniac Cop sighting, a Lily Munster sighting, a Joker sighting, slow pace, zero interesting twists or turns, very brief nudity, completely wasted use of Los Angeles scenery and some truly terrible dialogue.

I’m sure that FLESH AND BULLETS has its fans.  All movies, both good and bad, have their fans. It didn't do shit for me. That said, maybe you’ll like it.