IN SEARCH OF NOAH'S ARK (1976)

Not to be confused with In Search of Han Solo’s Millennium Falcon or In Search of Captain Ahab’s Pequod, IN SEARCH OF NOAH’S ARK is the serious (I…think?) documentary about the real life search for a fictional ship. Serious or not, is IN SEARCH OF NOAH’S ARK a good film? Yeah, it was highly entertaining.

Things start out with some dude who kinda looks like a Muppet dressed up as a human telling us that “This may be the most incredible film you will ever see.” And I’m like holy shit, that’s a pretty big claim! After that, he starts talking about the story of Noah from the Bible. Quick version is, this dude long, long ago hears a voice telling him to make a big ass boat, then stick two of every critter on Earth on the boat (did that include non-saltwater fish critters?) and wait for a flood to cover the entire planet. He does and the flood comes and then like a few months later, the flooding recedes and the boat comes to rest on what would later be called Mount Ararat (in modern day Turkey). After that, his son has sex with his own mother, a.k.a. Noah’s wife. Whoops! Sorry, went too far. The Muppet guy stops the story before the sex part. So anyway, the rest of the film is the dude talking to various people about stories they’ve heard about the location of Noah’s Ark and various experts telling us that the story of the great flood is totally true or might be. No real substantial proof of anything is ever shown, but that just makes the film even more enjoyable. I especially enjoyed the story about the group of “atheists” physically attacking the wreckage of Noah’s Ark. That was awesome! Somebody should make a horror movie about atheists going to attack Noah’s Ark and accidentally waking up an ancient pre-flood critter with nasty, big, pointy teeth. I also like the part where the host calls the story of Noah “The greatest story in the Bible”. You’d think the story of Creation or even Jesus’ death / resurrection would probably be a little more important, but what do I know.

Anyway…quick pace, good editing, funny stories, awesome host (who would later go on to do a fantastic job as the voice on THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 and its awesome trailer), a dude in the credits who has nine (yes, nine) titles next to his name (somebody should make a documentary about that guy!), multiple grainy as fuck pictures that didn’t prove anything.

IN SEARCH OF NOAH’S ARK might not have been “the most incredible film” I’ve ever seen, but it was a fun watch and I would totally watch it again. Check it out. If you need me, I’ll be in my room researching some stuff for the sequel I'm writing, In Search of Noah’s Ark 2: In Search of the Tent Where Ham Banged Noah’s Wife.

Fun fact: according to different box office history websites, IN SEARCH OF NOAH’S ARK made a motherfucking ark-load of money upon its initial release back in 1976. Like enough to be in the Top 10 money makers of the year. Right up there with THE OMEN and the third Dirty Harry film! I would absolutely love to see a well-made documentary about the phenomenon around this film.

DEER CAMP '86 (2022)

The most original thing about DEER CAMP ’86 is the name. That actually is an eye-catching title which brings to mind all kinds of cool and unique ideas…that, sadly, never happen. Instead of fun THE BURNING, SLEEPAWAY CAMP and early FRIDAY THE 13TH-style camp hijinks mixed an awesome new slasher villain’s badass murder skillz, the viewer gets the middle-of-the-road tale about six bland dudes hanging out in the woods while an angry forest spirit rustles around in the bushes and occasionally kills somebody (in the third act).

As the film opens, our heroes are heading out to the woods when they stop at a bar. They get in a fight with some locals and then go on to their cabin. I wish that the filmmakers had, in order to run up the kill count, had the locals follow our heroes with the intent of getting some sort of revenge. Then they all get slaughtered one-by-one without our heroes realizing it. That would have added some excitement to the story because instead, the entire middle section of the film is just the six hunters drinking beer, talking shit and digging a deer tick out of one dude’s ballsack. No killings at all. It’s nearly one hour into the movie before the murderer even makes its presence known!

As it is though, DEER CAMP ’86 is alright. A solid 5 / 10 film with almost zero blood or gore, lots of (purposely?) goofy dialogue, zero nudity, boring kills, a mediocre pace, subpar special effects, dull camerawork, okay (over) acting, a low body count and a disappointing killer. There’s really not much to say about the movie. It’s just kinda meh. The entire thing is strictly by the numbers and unimaginative. I'm not even sure that DEER CAMP '86 can be considered a horror movie. No ups, no downs. No surprises. No real reason why it is even set in 1986. I didn’t hate it, I didn’t love it. I just kinda sat there watching it, expecting something cool to happen. And it never did.

Double feature with Boner Jams 03'.