MYSTERY 101: WORDS CAN KILL (2019)

It seems like they really hit their stride with this third installment of the MYSTERY 101 series. The mystery was good with lots of twists and turns, the movie itself looked good and somehow the non-relationship relationship between our two main characters actually didn’t move forward at all, which is what we all want. Just let it stay in that cute awkward flirty stage forever!

Elmstead College is holding a Mystery writers convention. Of course, our hero professor’s mystery novelist dad is going to be there, but so is another writer that he used to have bad blood with and even an old agent who he also has bad blood with. Things happen and bodies start piling up. So now it’s up to our favorite professor and the handsome homicide detective stud to solve the case! It’s awesome and a lot of fun. I especially loved the scene where they were in a well lit parking lot at night and he insists on walking her to her car, they then walk over like 8 steps and they’re at her car. I don’t know why, but that scene cracked me up.

Of the three MYSTERY 101 films that I’ve seen, WORDS CAN KILL is the best so far. It was cute and silly and did a solid job of building on the groundwork laid by the previous two films. Some grumpy fucks might poo-poo all over it, but, as far as low-stress comfort films go, I really liked it. Check it out!

Part 1 - Mystery 101 (2019)
Part 2 - Mystery 101: Playing Dead (2019)
Part 4 - Mystery 101: Dead Talk (2019)
Part 5 - Mystery 101: An Education in Murder (2020)
Part 6 - Mystery 101: Killer Timing (2021)
Part 7 - Mystery 101: Deadly History (2021)

CHRISTMAS AT CARTWRIGHT'S (2014)

"Christmas is about profit and numbers."

Alicia Witt is unemployed as fuck, broke as fuck and fucked as fuck cuz she cannot pay her rent, she has a super annoying kid she has to provide for and it's Christmas. But wait a minute cause undercover angel Wallace Shawn performs some olde tyme Christmas angel witchcraft and gets Alicia a job as a store Santa at the prestigious Cartwright’s department store. Oooooooooooh! Fancy. Now you might be asking yourself: how does the payroll and tax stuff work with a woman secretly acting as a dude at a job where literally nobody knows her secret…and you might even be curious how she was able to pay her overdue back-rent after only being on the job for like three days, but, you see, you’re thinking too much! This is a Hallmark movie, motherfucker! Relax. Take your big, ol’ overheated noodle and put it on a shelf and quit thinking. If you do insist on thinking while you watch this upbeat motherfucker, think about how easy (and fun) it would be to re-edit this into a horror movie. Example: Wallace Shawn isn't an actual angel...he's just fucking crazy.

As much as I would like to be a Hallmark movie expert, I’m not (since I don’t come across the DVD’s that much), but I have thoroughly enjoyed the ones that I have seen. CHRISTMAS AT CARTWRIGHT'S is no different. It’s awesome. The story is predictable as fuck, the acting is all over the place (especially by the background actors), the annoying child character is easily the most emotionally mature character in the entire film (despite the fact that she cannot spell the words “blue” or “night”), the production design and sets looks interchangeable with other Hallmark films and the positivity! Oh my god. The shit is off the scales! I think I talked back to the television for the entire movie. At one point towards the end, I remember standing straight up and yelling “This fucking movie!!!” with my left arm out. Haha. I was seriously getting upset with the two main characters not hooking up.

Overall, I really enjoyed CHRISTMAS AT CARTWRIGHT'S and was surprised at how much I enjoyed Alicia Witt’s overacting. Especially all the funny faces she made. It was awesome. Even if her hair was too short. I also really liked Gabriel Hogan. He had a playful demeanor that I thought was cute. His hair was okay.

Now that I think about it, I don't remember seeing any horrible jackets in this movie. That seemed to be a running theme in the couple of films that I saw in the MYSTERY 101 and CHRISTMAS IN EVERGREEN series. I thought that might be a Hallmark, uhhh, hallmark.

[Not part of the review: Cerealously though, if anybody has some Hallmark discs, send them my way.]

Oh fuck...I was just going back and watching it again and I remember in the scene were the kid cannot spell "blue" in class, right when she got it wrong, I said "Stupid!" and at the exact same moment the kid sitting behind her said "Dummy." hahahaha, oh shit I was dying.

H (2002)

There’s a new copycat killer in town. Meow! So instead of assigning a team of professional homicide detectives to the case, the local police put together a team of highly emotional chain smokers. At the same time, the original murderer sits on death row acting like a smug douche.

I’m always interested in finding new films and artistic visions, but honestly, I would have probably been better off watching two old episodes of Dexter than wasting my time on H. Although I did get a chuckle out of the one cop who encounters two other cars on the road so he drives his whip straight into a pole. That was funny. As far as serious entertainment goes, H is a total bust. The entire story is lifted from numerous other serial killer cop thrillers and the big payoff at the end is dumb as hell.

Okay acting, shit script, meddling pace, damn near worthless detective investigation, lots of smoking, emotional outbursts left and right, zero thrillers, a little bit of blood, zero time travel, zero likable characters, zero cheerleaders, one detective who falls down at least three different times. I somehow managed to stay awake for the entire film, but afterward I wished I had taken a nap instead.

Skip it with a vengeance.

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Oh shit. I was going through my stuff after I wrote the review above and discovered I reviewed this movie elsewhere back in 2005. Here is the full review, totally unedited. (I did add in the links to older reviews.) It's okay:

Along came a stinker.

Anybody who falls for the cover blurb "SEVEN meets SILENCE OF THE LAMBS" is gonna be disappointed...kinda like me.

Nicely filmed and that's about it H is the clunky, unexciting tale of a copycat serial killer who's reenacting the grisly murders of another killer who was arrested 10 months earlier. Very interesting idea.

Now enter the world's most inept cops. First you got Kang who in every single scene freaks out in some way and either kicks something, breathes heavy, screams, wrecks his car or all of the above. His partner, Kim, has a haircut like Mia Farrow in ROSEMARY'S BABY and the personality of the wooden Indian in CREEPSHOW 2. She also likes to disrupt crime scenes, stare blankly and punch or shoot Kang.

I wanted to like the film. I was all excited and happy for about the first minute and forty seconds then Kang showed up and it all went downhill from there. On the bright side I did learn that if I ever want to head up a surprise raid on a serial killer's house to NOT land a helicopter in his front yard first.