U-571 (2000)

U-571 is probably about as historically correct as THE LAST STARFIGHTER, but I don't care.  If you go into a movie starring Matthew McConaughey and Jon Bon Jovi expecting historical accuracy you're gonna be in for a bad time.

Set in the early days of America's involvement in WWII, there's a German submarine containing a extremely important coding machine.  The Americans will do anything to get it so they dress up one of their own subs to look like a Nazi one and send it in under the disguise of being a Nazi rescue ship.  I'm not gonna give too much away, but things don't go quite as planned and non-Captain McConaughey has to commandeer the Nazi ship and limp this half-broken mother back to England through Nazi infested waters.

Revisionist history complaints aside U-571 is an mildly entertaining film.  The idea for the story is pretty gripping, but the execution is only average.  I can't really put my finger on it, but despite the tight situations these guys got themselves into I never had any doubt that they would get out of it...or really even care if they got out of it.  Bon Jovi, predictable story, average action scenes, Harvey Keitel underused, dated CGI, noble sailors sacrificing themselves, lots of yelling, nearly all male cast. Worth a watch, if you're into submarine films, but overall it's pretty forgettable.  I was hoping for more.

CLUB DREAD (2004)

[This review is for the original 104-minute version.  The unedited 119-minute version has a slower pace and is nowhere near as entertaining.]

Comedy slasher film CLUB DREAD is a better slasher movie than 40% of legitimate Slasher movies (I'm looking at you Jason Goes To Hell, you pigfucking piece of shit.). The story is about a Slasher movie-style murderer killing the dick out of everybody on a private resort island ran by a 3rd-rate Jimmy Buffett burnout named Coconut Pete, brilliantly played by Bill Paxton. The Broken Lizard guys are all employees on the island.

After the standard Slasher movie opening kill scene, we're introduced to Lars (who is a new employee) arriving with a new boatload of vacationers. The boat leaves and now they're all alone on the island with no way off. Partying ensues. Before too long the killings are discovered by the employees, but, with their only radio destroyed, the staff are forced to keep the murders secret (or risk starting a mass panic) and catch the killer themselves.

That might sound serious, but it's not. The entire movie is the Broken Lizard guys up to non-stop crazy (and hilarious) shit.  Fast pace, solid direction, entertaining story, mild tit action, tons of quotable lines. I've seen CLUB DREAD probably 25 times over the years and it's still a fun watch.  Recommended for sure.

It'd make a great double-feature with THE SLAMMIN' SALMON.

Not part of the review: It'd be funny if the Broken Lizard team made a CLUB DREAD 2, but made it 100% absolutely serious as shit.  I'm talking INSIDE-level viewer trauma. Keep the same silly title font, lighthearted poster artwork and upbeat opening credits, then just brutally eyeball fuck the audience to death. Give 'em a really extraordinary case of the wonky britches.

TWISTER (1996)

Punch the core, backbuilding, finger of god, cone of silence, jumper, the suck zone.  These are all terms that tornado chasers use every...single...day. It's almost as important as being able to hold on to a metal pipe tight enough to keep yourself from being pulled up into the suck zone of a finger of god tornado that just threw a two-story house at you.

Bill Paxton is an ex-storm chaser, who with his new fiancee Jami Gertz, goes into the field to find his soon to be ex-wife Helen Hunt and have her sign the divorce papers. While there, the biggest string of tornadoes in 12 years pops up and quiet life be damned! Bill Paxton is gonna chase some of these suckers down and punch their hole with his fancy measuring device. The rest of the movie is just that: overly excited nerds driving all over the joint wrecking shit, overacting and screaming non-stop. You definitely don't have time to get bored, but you do have time to yell "Bullshit!" over and over as repeatedly the main characters defy logic, high winds and flying debris (like an exploding tanker truck, multiple tractors and a cow...twice) without even getting a scratch. But that's the whole point of the movie: forget reality and just have fun. If you're unable to do that, then skip this movie. It's pure junk food for the brain.  It's awesome.

Compared to other mid-90's disaster movies, TWISTER is pretty good. There's tons of action and Bill Paxton is great. I just wish the filmmakers would have let him be a little looser with the character...imagine how awesome it would have been if a little bit of Pvt. Hudson came out during the final tornado! "We're in some real pretty shit now!"

If you like disaster movies, then TWISTER is very much worth watching. And surprisingly the special effects still hold up alright even after all these years.  I watch it once or twice a year easily. Also, watch out for the reference to THE ABYSS, plus THE SHINING and A STAR IS BORN (1954) featured.