ECLIPSE (2010)

They can't make these fast enough for me. In fact, I wish they'd quit releasing these little two hour teasers and just release a 40+ hour epic. I'd be in Heaven.

A gang of bloodthirsty "newborn" vampires are out to kill Bella. But that's not what we're concerned about, ohhh no. I want to know if that dogbutt sniffing Jacob has gotten the hint and fucked off yet?! The answer: hell no! That douchey, cockblocking, Beta bitch asshole is still around and just as cockblocky as ever.  Can't he find his own goddamn woman?

A few other things I noticed: I'm really digging Alice. I'd be just as happy as could be if the camera followed Alice around for a few hours. I think she's really cute, has a interesting personality and her psychic powers are cool. Also, I don't read the books, so I don't know what happens to Bella's dad, but I'm hoping that he accidentally gets turned into a vampire and he keeps his job as Sheriff and then gets his own spinoff series where it's like "Twin Peaks" meets "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and he has to solve mysterious and fight weird monsters while coming to grips with the fact that he's now a vampire. To complicate matters even more, women are suddenly more attracted to him, but he's only interested in true love.

ECLIPSE progresses the story along nicely, but like I said, it just wasn't long enough. I want more goddamn it! It leaves you with some teaser stuff about the Volturi and the wedding and Bella finally becoming a goddamn vampire. Agggggghhhhh, now I'm going to have to wait another year to find out what happens.  This is vampire batshit!!!

Part 1 - Twilight (2008)
Part 2 - The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Part 4 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)
Part 5 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)

NEW MOON (2009)

I loved the first 20 minutes with Edward and Bella hanging out at school. That was rad.  What they should have done was make Bella a vampire then just write a million stories about them going from high school to high school together for the next few thousand years.  Anyway, for whatever stupid reason, Edward gets super moody and starts thinking that that if he leaves, the cold turkey approach will work and "BAM!" Bella will no longer be in love.  That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. So now Bella is super lonely and goes into a deep depression until she finally gets so lonely she's even willing to hang out with that creepy doucher Jacob.  Ends up he has a supernatural secret of his own.

Other stuff happens, but I'm not going to tell you. My biggest problem is Edward is the most interesting character in the story and there was a long period where he was gone. During that time I kinda started disliking Bella, because she's vapid and selfish and helpless. Edward's too good for her, but goddamn it she is hot.

Despite the presence of the human-sized tampon, Jacob, I really liked this movie and laughed a lot! It was great! I can't wait until Part 3, but I have a bad feeling that Bella's gonna piss me off, by shitting on Edward. I hope I'm wrong.

Part 1 - Twilight (2008)
Part 3 - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
Part 4 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)
Part 5 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)