HARDGORE (1975)

An unattractive teenager with a hairy pussy is committed to a sanitarium to be cured of her nymphomaniac desires. It's Bad News Bears for her though because the joint is ran by a bunch of Satan worshipers who drug her and force her to take place in their nonstop blood orgies! But let's not get ahead of ourselves...

One minute into the movie the chick is already checked in and when the nurse shows her to her room they just start fingering and scissoring right off the bat! And this is hardcore full penetration! I wasn't expecting that!!! After the scissoring they go to the the shower to cool off their excessively hairy beavers. Pussy eating takes place. Later that day, the nymphomaniac girl is in her room alone when she finds a box full of dildos!  So she does the only logical thing in a movie like this: crams them in her snizz. Suddenly it's nighttime and she hears a weird noise and opens her door to find the nurse with her throat slit! She runs down the hall (naked as a jaybird), when suddenly she's in a orgy sucking two dudes dicks for a long time then out of nowhere a knife flies down and chops off this dude's schlong! Blood and jizz shoots all over the chicks face.

She wakes up in a hospital bed and a nurse tells her to get naked and lay down and proceeds to cure her hallucinations by rubbing a plug-in-the-wall vibrator on her tits and pussy!!!  Naturally they start fucking and then while the nurse is vibrating herself, a mysterious hand opens the door and turns the power meter on the vibrator controller up to full blast causing the nurse's pussy to catching fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! While smoke is bellowing out of her vagina she yells "It's ruined! Call my mother! Oh my God! Hurry, call the doctor and the fire department!" I nearly passed out from laughter at this point.

That night a full blown Satanic orgy takes place with tons of sex and one massive cumshot. The 10-minute orgy scene ends with a chick getting it doggystyle while having her head chopped off in a guillotine!!! Holy shit!

The next night(?) the main chick overhears two doctors talking about how they are going to kill her during a superorgy. They discover her peeping on them and take her to "the room". The Room is full of dead, mutilated women. One doctor crawls up on a corpse and starts humping while the other doctor drugs the main girl and starts raping her. She hallucinates a cool looking and surprisingly well photographed 12-minute sex scene that reminded me of Jodorowsky's THE HOLY MOUNTAIN.

As punishment, she's left bound in the room full of dead women and since she's trippin balls she sees all kinds of weird shit including some rocket-powered disembodied cocks that fly around and shoot gallons of jizz on her.  I can honestly say I wasn't expecting that to happen.

Now comes the final superorgy! It last forever and includes a guy having violent sex with a feather pillow. It ends (finally) with the high priest dude busting a nut on her face, then she springs to life, grabs a giant battle axe and kills the high priest and the pillowhumper before a random Satanists beats her to death with a human skull. My brain was oozing out my ears at this point, when in the final shot they stick a burning candle into her cold, dead pussy.  Fin.

I don't even know what to say. To make a movie like this, the drug budget have been three times bigger than the production budget and it was worth it because HARDGORE, even 40 years later still has the power to surprise anybody who's lucky enough to watch it. Also, for whatever reason the fuzzed out guitar rock background music was actually pretty damn impressive. Way better than it had any right to be.

My biggest complaint is there was more sex than gore. I enjoy sex scenes, but watching these coked out, hairy hippies bumping uglies was almost too much for me to take. I would have much rather seen some meat hooks through tits and blood sacrifices.

If you can find a copy, then check it out!

Link to some screenshots of random nudity.

MIDNIGHT MADNESS (1980)

[Update 01/20/2021: Disliked this review and deleted the entire thing. Will fix when I get time.]

EVEN HITLER HAD A GIRLFRIEND (1992)

Marcus Templeton is a total loser. He's fat, has a shitty job and he's really lonely. His mind gets soft from the boredom and even though he can barely get an erection, he's still obsessed with sex. At first, he just watches a lot of porn and calls phone sex lines, then he gets into call girls and secretly videotaping them...and that's really about it. I wish more had happened, especially with the storyline about local serial killer (who looks like Marcus), but after it's mentioned a few times early on it just disappears.

I'm not sure if this is suppose to be a dark comedy or not, if it is then it's really dry. Pretty much 100% of the movie is Marcus sitting around in his underwear thinking about sex and how shitty his life is...without actually doing anything to improve his situation. There is a humorous reoccurring joke about him seeing scumbags and inanimate objects with girlfriends: a movie about a telepathic brain with a female lover, some creepy film about a chick making out with a skeleton and, of course, a photo of Hitler with Eva.

Tons of topless chicks. If you can find a copy for cheap then it's worth checking out.   An interesting low-budget artifact from the early 90's.

Part 2 - The Hitler Tapes (1994)

TOO LATE FOR TEARS (1949)

[Update 5/19/2019: Just bought a better copy of this movie. Going to delete the shitty screenshots below and redo this entire review soon.]

Lizabeth Scott is a mean, heartless bitch that you don't want to cross. One evening while out driving with her husband she decides she doesn't want to go to dinner with friends after all, so she yanks the key out of the ignition and during the ensuing struggle the headlights flash on and off. As fate would have it there's a guy waiting for a car to signal him by flashing on his lights. The mysterious guy quickly drives past and tosses a bag in their back seat. They look and it 60 grand in unmarked bills! Being a cold-hearted, venom-spitting witch, she wants to keep the money, but her husband is a square and he wants to turn the money in. But she ain't going to let that happen, even if she has to kill everybody who gets in her way!

TLFT was obviously filmed on a very low budget, but the story is strong enough and the cast is talented enough to make it work. I especially liked Arthur Kennedy who did a lot with such a small role; Dan Duryea is great, as always, and even gets off a few funny lines. It's not going to be the best noir you've ever seen or even really that original (certain scenes and story elements reminded me of 1944's DOUBLE INDEMNITY), but it's worth a watch.

20TH CENTURY BOYS 1: BEGINNING OF THE END (2008)

Hmmm. Well, based on that wacky font and crazy looking guy on the DVD cover and knowing that this was based on a manga I was expecting this to be some exciting over the top shit, instead it was pretty slow with a shitload of talking. Maybe Part 2 (if I ever dig up the desire to watch it) will be better.

Kenji works at a convenience store and leads a pretty empty life until he and a few of his childhood friends start to notice that the bad terrorist shit that's happening recently around the world is exactly like a "Book of Prophecy" that they wrote when they were in elementary school. The police are in league with the cult that's carrying out the attacks so it's up to them to save the world. That's an awesome idea for a movie, but I really disliked the overly complicated way the story is told. Also the entire thing looked low budget like a made-for-TV movie.

Worth watching, I guess, but it disappointed me and really doubt I'll ever care enough to watch the next two installments.

There was one great scene: the finger snap scene. I have absolutely zero idea what was going on, but it was fucking fantastic! Reminded me of some of the best moments of David Lynch.

Part 2 - 20th Century Boys 2: The Last Hope (2009)
Part 3 - 20th Century Boys 3: Redemption (2009)

KILLER WORKOUT (1986)

[Update 10/26/2021: This review is a disaster.  Need to redo this review completely.  And fix the DEATH SPA review also.]

One year before director/writer David A. Prior cured terminal butt cancer with DEADLY PREY he created maybe the first slasher movie set in a gym. I could be completely wrong, but I think I'm right. So, anyway the members at Rhonda's Workout are dropping like flies, but that can't stop the aerobic workout class! You have a stabbing in a shower (with no visible wounds), a skull stabbing in a car, face gouging in a back alley, a dumbbell to the skull, all the standard slasher stuff but done very low budget. Sadly the killer has no personality or style. So the highlight of the movie ended up being the 80's fashion and the stiff acting.

If you're into slashers then it's worth checking, but everybody else will probably only find it good for the laughs.