CINDERELLA (1977)

[Update 03/02/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Absolutely fucking awful. I have no idea why in the 1970's there was a fad of making adult-themed fairy tale musicals, but there was and if CINDERELLA is any indication of what they were like, then I'll never watch another one as long as I live.

We all know the story of Cinderella, so I won't even get into that, it's the same old story...except this time around there's god-awful disco music, a budget of around a thousand dollars, wall-to-wall nightmare-inducing nudity and painfully terrible jokes. Examples: a guy peeling an apple is staring at some females so hard that he cuts his own finger off...ha-ha. Using a corncob as a dildo and when the chick cums, she popcorn shoots out of her snatch...hardy-har-har. A guy says his horse is the most well-trained horse in the kingdom then, as soon as he dismounts, the horse walks off...hee-hee. Or in the most worn out joke of the entire movie: the fairy godmother gives Cinderella a "snapping pussy", so for like the next 40 minutes everybody is making jokes nonstop about "the snapper" or "my snap decision" or "snap, crackle, pop." Good grief.

If you're a mentally disturbed 7-year-old child you might find this adult-themed CINDERELLA to be funny or erotic, but I would hope that the majority of people find the entire thing to be absolute shit and not erotic in the least. I'd have better luck jacking off to a old rerun of "Gilligan's Island".

NSFW images [I will try to update these as well as the ones on this review, when I find the time.]

IL POSTINO (1994)

Sweet story set back in the 1950's about a simple dude, Mario, who lives on a small Italian fishing island. He doesn't have a job since he hates fishing, but his luck changes when a world-renowned poet, Pablo Neruda, is exiled from his native Chile to the small island for being a Communist. This is a stroke of luck for Mario because now that there's somebody on the island who's actually literate enough to need a mailman to deliver his letters to him! Mario gets the job since he can read and he owns a bicycle.

Having lived his whole life surrounded by ignorant people, Mario is fascinated by Pablo. Especially Pablo's reputation for writing love poems that get women all hot and bothered. Soon enough the innocent Mario befriends Pablo and turns to him for help when he falls in love with a woman who works at a local inn. This is kinda where the film lost it for me. When I sat down to watch it I was expecting it to be a romantic film, but instead the romance part was very short-lived and instead the main story was about Mario and Pablo's friendship. There's nothing wrong with that, but I was hoping for something more, especially since the friendship between Pablo and Mario didn't seem all that strong.

Still it's an enjoyable film with a nice cast and beautiful locations. If you're into these sort of thing then it's a good watch. As for me though I'll be in my room watching CINEMA PARADISO...crying like a little bitch.

THE GREY (2011)

A planeload of oil workers crashes somewhere way off in the Alaskan wilderness. There's only a handful of survivors. The weather outside is so cold that it makes your nuts clack together like poolballs, but their biggest concern is a huge pack of highly aggressive wolves that seem to have a hankerin' for human flesh.

I'm kinda torn about THE GREY. On the one hand, I really liked the serious tone of the film, the sadness in Liam's character and the filming style, but on the other hand...[SPOILERS!!!] that ending. What. The. Fuck? I really hated that ending. I know it was trying to be super dramatic or something, but I just found it lazy. Imagine if in ALIENS when Ripley goes to look for Newt and when the elevator doors open...the film ends. Or if in THE ROAD WARRIOR when Max leaves the compound and the marauders start chasing him...the film ends. Or, if in LICENSE TO DRIVE when Les has to drive his pregnant mother to the hospital...the film ends. That's exactly what I felt like watching THE GREY. You spend nearly two hours building up all this heavy tension for a final badass fight and...end credits. Fuck THE GREY. Also, why wasn't there any bears? That would have been awesome!

Strangely enough, even with that world class shitty ending ending I still recommend the film. Yeah, the guys do some dumb shit and the ending is garbage, but other than that I really enjoyed the film. The wolves were great and I loved watching them kill the shit out of humans.