Tuesday, June 9, 2015

BACKDRAFT (1991)

U done been backdrafted hoe! New firefighter William Baldwin (oh god...I'm already bored) lives in some big shadows.  His father was a legendary firefighter who died in a fire that ended up on the cover of Life Magazine and his older brother (Kurt Russell) is the toughest, manliest firefighter since John Wayne clubbed oil well fires to death with his massive penis in HELLFIGHTERS. Even worse...firefighter William Baldwin's been stationed to the same firehouse as his brother.  All kinds of predictable brotherly competition and firefighting ruggedness happens next. There's even a musical montage!

BACKDRAFT is mildly entertaining and actually more fun to laugh at than it is to take serious. My favorite part of the film is when we're introduced to a mystery arsonist who's killing people using a technique called "backdraft".  It seems that the fire is somehow held inside a room magically and then when the victim opens the doors the fire backdrafts all up in their shit and punches them like 50 feet through the air.  It also makes a howling noise like a dragon having sex with an iceberg.  Fire investigator Robert De Niro is sent in to investigate the murders and he talks about fire like it's an actual living thing I was totally into it.  It was silly as fook, but still fun to daydream that this is some kind of firefighting crossover into the Conjuring Universe.

Overall, BACKDRAFT is very dated, the story is in dire need of a re-write, the special effects are alright, the firefighting scenes are unbelievable, the entire thing looks like a movie, the acting by the impressive cast (not Baldwin) was solid. Also, I was confused as to why multiple times the firefighters arrive at the scene of a large fire, then they immediately station themselves on the floor above the fire and then have to quickly escape because the floor is caving in. 

Not the greatest thing I've even seen, but it was an interesting ride and a lot of you to randomly yell "Backdraft!!!" while watching. It's fun look back at early 90's big studio action/dramas. I love to daydream that somebody actually took this film serious.  We also get to see the guy from IRON EAGLE's pubes!!!

Oh yeah, I like when the one firefighter heroically says, "The fire never got me." then dies 15 seconds later from a fire-related injury. Awesome.

Part 2 - Backdraft II (2019)

Strange how they removed old Iron Eagle's pubes for the blu-ray.

Monday, June 8, 2015

BLOOD GLACIER (2013)

As far as German language THE THING/THE MIST/THE FLY-clones goes, BLOOD GLACIER was pretty average.  No ups or downs just an simple, watchable, by-the-numbers monster movie.

A small team of scientists stationed up in the Swiss Alps come across an icky fluid in a glacier that mutates animals into all kinds of nasty, ill-tempered creatures.  Any normal person would haul ass out of there as quickly as possible, but somehow these genius' fail to realize the seriousness of their situation and just hang out until a wicked looking ram-fox-mosquito-man-bear-pig critter with glowing eyes and nasty, big, pointy teeth comes busting through their door like a roided-up SWAT team looking for a marijuana.

Zero nudity, mild blood, zero gore, predictable story that starts out alright but goes to shit towards the end, lens flare, a super cute dog (easily the highlight of the movie), no stand out or unique characters, typical shaky camerawork during the action scenes.  BLOOD GLACIER is an enjoyable enough way to waste 98 minutes.  Mildly recommended.