BARBIE (2023)

"You guys ever think about dying?"

Things seem to be pretty chill in Barbieland. If you are one of the more popular Barbies. Our hero, "Stereotypical Barbie" (Margot Robbie), is quite popular and every day is a happy-go-lucky series of events like playing volleyball at the beach, having a dance party in front of her dream home and a slumber party with a dozen of her closest girlfriends. She also might even spend a few seconds away from her important daily activities to acknowledge that her boyfriend "Beach Ken" (Ryan Gosling) is alive. All of that eternal bliss comes crashing down one evening when Barbie starts to have thoughts about death. Sweet lovely death.

BARBIE is a fantastic movie. I’ve seen it many times and every time I smile non-stop at Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling’s performances. Which, strangely enough, outside of the visual look of the film and cinematography are the only good things about BARBIE. It’s weird to be such a fan of the film and dislike nearly the entire cast, nearly all of the songs and the script, but it is what it is and I just accept it. Ryan Gosling’s facial expressions alone are worth watching the film.

I have a ton of thoughts about BARBIE, but honestly I’m way, way, way too depressed to be able to assemble them into any kind of readable order. I’ll probably update this review later on. For now though, if you have a soul, then just check it out. It’s super cute, full of thoughts about death and funny as fuck. Just like me.

And speaking of Dexter season 4, I would have much rather seen FBI Special Agent Frank Lundy marry Debra Morgan and they get a spin-off show where they’re a wife and husband serial killer hunter team. That would have been doe, I mean, dope. P.S. I have all the genitals.

BLOODY MURDER (2000)

At first glance, things might look all hunky-dory over at Camp Placid Pines [insert Camp Flaccid Penis joke here], but they’re not. Nope. No siree Bob. The camp workers (who are prepping the camp for the summer rush) have an invasive serial killer problem. A normal human would probably head for the hills, or in this case, head away from the hills when their co-workers start dropping like flies, but these people seem to be latched in an almost Bunuelian way to the camp. The killings continue.

I’m 100% positive that I wrote a review trashing BLOODY MURDER back when it was a new release. I have no idea where that review is or who I even wrote it for, but just like how I originally hated AX’EM long ago (and now love it), I really enjoyed BLOODY MURDER when I revisited it for this review. I guess some things just get better with age. Like they say, “Older the berry, sweeter the juice.”

So yeah, anyway. BLOODY MURDER isn’t gonna knock any current slasher summer camp classics (like FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI, THE BURNING or SLEEPAWAY CAMP) off their pedestals, but, as far as entertainment goes, I enjoyed BLOODY MURDER. So much so that I watched it three times! Solid pace, silly kills, awesome late 1990’s fashions, playful acting that made me smile, lots of daylight scenes, zero nudity (sadly), respectable body count, ancient technology, straightforward direction, beautiful scenery, very little blood, zero gore, goofy dialogue that honestly cracked me up (in a good way) at how bad it was.

I’m sure that zero humans will ever read this review, but if in the year 3955 somebody accidentally stumbles across it...you should check out BLOODY MURDER. It’s an endearing and sweet slasher. Almost like the best parts of a Christian-made horror, but without the Jesus stuff. Which, now that I think about, really makes me sad that there probably aren't any hardcore Christian-made horror movies. At least, not from the 1990’s. That sucks. God, that would be the best! Just imagine some Mike Warnke-level comedy hijinks mixed with a summer Bible Camp slasher film…that’s rated G and has a Christian message and a grainy picture.  Oh God, could there be anything better? There might not be a Heaven in real life, but my handsome brain is there right now.

Part 2 - Bloody Murder 2 (2003)

INTO THE ABYSS (2022)

Aliens have landed and things have turned to crap.  Lone survivor Bannon wanders aimlessly around a large city.  Rain falls and massive slow-moving crab-like monsters can been seen walking in the darkened skyline.  Down at the street level, there are human-sized creatures picking through the rubble looking for survivors.  I don’t think it ever says what Bannon did before the fall of humanity, but since he’s an idiot and completely clueless about pretty much everything, I can only guess that he was in middle management.  How this doofus lived this long is a mystery, cause when we’re introduced to him he’s bumbling around alleys and empty buildings making so much racket that you would think he was trying to get discovered.  After many minutes of this nap-inducing excitement Bannon finds a walkie-talkie.  Somehow forgetting that 100% of humanity is populated by lying, backstabbing monsters he calls out for help.  I’m sure that will turn out well for him.

The artwork on the DVD cover for INTO THE ABYSS is dope as fuck.  Unfortunately, the film doesn’t even deliver 0.666% of the awesomeness promised by that artwork.  Slow pace, boring smaller monsters that never brought a ruckus, zero interaction at all with the larger creatures, lots of dark scenes, disappointing ending, very little action, lots of talking, lots of bad decisions, zero gore, a few surreal touches (he backwards running man, the crusty-looking shaman dude in the woods) that I did enjoy.  It’s easy to see that director Matías Xavier Rispau has talent, he just needs to find a better script.

INTO THE ABYSS is watchable, but the 104 minutes you would spend watching this film would be better spent watching the first few episodes of the 2019 series “War of the Worlds” or playing Generation Zero (solo on Guerrilla difficulty) or reading Robert McCammon’s “The Border”.