TERROR EYES (1989)

That cover is fucking awesome!!! How the heck, I mean, fuck could you resist something like that?! Saturday afternoon I was walking through the video store, minding my own business, when I saw that cover and instantly filled my pants to overflowing with jizz and human shit. It was love at first sight and I had to have it. I bought it, rushed home to watch it and you know what? It was better than OK. And that's saying something cause I really expected it to be so goddamn horrible that I couldn't even watch the entire thing, but I watched it all and even enjoyed it for the story and of course I got some really good laughs out of it.

Right from the beginning, you know you're in for a treat, because it starts doing fucked up mind tricks and the actors were really excited, especially Daniel (RIVER'S EDGE, FINAL DESTINATION) Roebuck who is completely balls out the whole movie.  Another thing that makes this movie such a delight was it is without a doubt pure 80's cheese. The set decorations and the clothes were hypnotically bad, but in a good way.

The story is about this woman who's hired (by Satan no less!) to write a movie script for a horror movie.  So she goes camping with her friends and they each tell crazy stories including one that reminded me of SAW and another of GROUNDHOG DAY.  I'm not going to get into all of the stories, but there's a lot going on in this movie and I really enjoyed it. It's definitely worth the few bucks I paid for it.

Scan from an interview with Daniel Roebuck in "Psychotronic" #27.

MY FAVORITE WIFE (1940)

Cary Grant lost his wife (Irene Dunne) 7 years ago when she drown at sea during a shipwreck.  So now, Grant has decided to move on with his life.  He has Dunne legally declared dead and then marries Gail Patrick.  Even though she's not right for him.  Then suddenly, Dunne returns!  Ends up she was living on a deserted island for the entire 7 years...along with another shipwreck survivor: sexy Randolph Scott.  Yikes!

All kinds of hijinks ensue. Unfortunately, only about 5% of them are funny. I love everybody in this cast and it's very easy to see that the filmmakers were trying to cash in on the success of 1937's hilarious THE AWFUL TRUTH, but unfortunately the story goes that during pre-production writer/director  Leo McCarey (who helmed THE AWFUL TRUTH) was involved in a near fatal car accident and had to be replaced.  So now, you have a cast making a comedy while their good friend is at death's door.

For what it is, it's okay. There are a few moments that are enjoyable (the first time Grant sees Scott at the swimming pool), but other stuff (the dim-witted, slow-talking judge) are a drag to get through. Worth a watch for fans of classic Hollywood, but it definitely could have been a much better film.  I was also bothered by how the film seems to paint Gail Patrick's character as the bad guy when in reality she's heartbroken that the man she fell in love with (and married) doesn't love her back.  That was a bummer.

GRACE (2009)

[Update 11/28/2023: Need rewatch this film and redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Jordan Ladd is pregnant.  Shit happens and she gives birth to a dead baby that's alive.  And that's about the extend of the movie.  All the standard stuff that you would expect to happen happens, but at a very drawn out pace. It's all very boring and absolutely nothing original comes along to wake you out of your boredom-induced stupor.  The End.

If I live to be 2,000 I'll never watch this turkey ever again.  Skip it.

RAPA NUI (1994)

[Update 08/18/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

I have no idea if anything in this film is historically accurate and I really don't care cause it was a lot of fun to watch. Set in (I'm guessing) the late 1600's, there are two groups on the island: the Long Ears and the Short Ears. The Long Ear are the royalty, priests, soldiers, etc. while the Short Ears are pretty much slaves. Jason Scott Lee plays the grandson of the Long Ear's leader and he is in love with a Short Ear girl. The leader dude is old and obsessed with making statues. Even to the point that they destroy all of the islands trees and waste all of their time building statues instead of growing crops.

Anyway, that's all very interesting, but the main storyline is about this Short Ear guy (Esai Morales) who's also in love with the chick that Lee is screwing. Everything - the tension between the tribes, the leadership of the island, the statues, who's gonna get the girl - all culminates in this insane race where one guy from each tribe is selected to race down the fucking cliffs then swim over to a very small island nearby and grab an egg from a bird then carry that egg all the way back to the island, up the cliffs and back to the starting point. It was very exciting!

Director/ screenwriter Kevin (ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES, THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO) Reynolds does a great job and really captures the beauty of the island to the point that is become a character all to itself. I kept thinking the entire movie how lucky these people are to live somewhere so beautiful, but yet the were bickering and fighting just like people from every other nationality. That's just human nature: to be a bunch of greedy assholes. Enough of the philosophizing, if the description sounds like something you'd be into the check it out cause I really enjoyed myself. The script could have gotten deeper into the characters and maybe explained the ending a little more, but when you get down to it this was a action film not a documentary on the history of Easter Island.

Also, look out for Rena Owen in a small role as a Short Ear. If you don't remember her she played the mother in ONCE WERE WARRIORS. And if you don't blink too much you might see Cliff Curtis who also played in ONCE WERE WARRIORS.

DEADGIRL (2008)

Two teenage nerds are messing around in an abandoned building when they find a naked female zombie chained up to a gurney. Naturally, they never strongly question where this monster came from and just decide to make the best out of a bad situation and keeps the chick as a sex slave. Of course, things soon spiral out of control, but it's all telegraphed so far ahead that you can guess the entire movie after 15 minutes.

The other thing that pissed me off, besides the complete lack of imagination on the part of the writer, is the ridiculous loose ends.  You're telling me that 5 students from the same high school can all either die or disappear (because they are dead) and the police are never going to get involved?! Horseshit! Also, where the f did the zombie come from and why didn't whoever put it there come back and claim her? That would be truly scary, cause whoever is behind this has to be completely evil.

Maybe the entire film is some kind of weak fairy tale allegory bullshit about fantasies, feminism or who knows maybe even homoerotic desires? Cause I damn sure don't want to stand behind some dude and just stare at him humping on a crusty dead broad.

Ehh, fuck it. The movie blew, but not bad enough to not watch it. If you're into necrophilia cinema then check it out, but not until after you watch AFTERMATH, NEKROMANTIK (PART 1 only, PART 2 was weak), VISITOR Q and KISSED first. I did like the look of the film though, it reminded me of Larry Clark's straightforward style from BULLY and KIDS...hey, I just had a cool idea: think how badass this film might have turned out if Larry Clark had directed it! Now that would have been interesting to see.