PENINSULA (2020)

Four years after the original zombie outbreak in TRAIN TO BUSAN, gangsters send an armed team of thieves into a zombie populated area of South Korea in order to steal a truck containing 20 million US duckets.  That sounds like a promising idea, but instead of a high-stakes heist film set in a gore-drenched world that looks like a gnarly death metal album cover...all we get is a slow-moving, zero imagination, snoozefest that probably features more screentime of people crying than it does of actual zombies.  Not that the zombies were worth a shit or even memorable.

Honestly, if you and I were talking in real life I could probably ramble on with you about this clunker for hours, but sitting here alone and all fucking depressed after watching this life-draining piece of shit, I just want to put the entire experience behind me and forget this movie even exists.  Skip it with a vengeance.  I wish I had.

Prequel - Seoul Station (2016)
Part 1 - Train to Busan (2016)

FANTASY ISLAND (2020)

I dislike this movie. Not because it's a bad movie (I can deal with that), but because it had the impressive idea of turning the Fantasy Island story into a horror movie and then…did absolutely nothing with it! A talented group of writers could run with this idea forever. There’s no end to the insane things that could go on: zombies, wokalars, zombie wokalars, cannibals, millions of bizarre kink fetishes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer in The Walking Dead universe, Jack the Ripper versus Midsomer Murders on the Titanic, dogs and cats living together, Saw versus Fast and Furious, Chucky at the Gettysburg Address…it could go on for eternity!! So, with trillions of awesome story ideas at their disposal, what did the filmmakers choose as their introductory story to really grab the audience’s attention and get this sucker to be the start of a multi-billion dollar horror franchise?! I bet it’s gonna be zombies attacking a nudist colony next to a chainsaw factory! I’m so excited!!!

Oh. It’s just your standard, zero imagination, soulless bullshit about an annoying group of ultra-douchers who show up to a tropical island resort with some lame ass fantasies.  Then the unremarkable guy who runs the island does some kind of weakass Wishmaster shenanigans and twists their already boring fantasies into, I guess, a horror fantasy or something.  I don't know.  This entire movie is a fucking mess.  I don't even think it can even be correctly categorized as "horror".

Zero nudity, zero scares, crap direction, a beautiful island setting somehow presented in the blandest way possible, very little blood or violence, a convoluted story that I wanted to drop a krampus on, lifeless acting by a forgettable cast (Michael Rooker had a small part, but was wasted), dead pacing because nothing ever happened the entire movie. Honestly, I cannot even think of a single reason to waste your time on this stinker. You'll lie on your death bed and regret it. Skip it.

DEMOLITION MAN (1993)

"...shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball-brained, duck-fucking..."

In 1996 things are going to be all kinds of fucked up. Crime rate through the roof, dogs and cats not living together, Will Smith having the #1 movie at the yearly box office…it’s going to be a real shitshow. Luckily though, we have bungee-jumping maniac cop, John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone), to save the day by going into a building to save some hostages after they’ve been murdered and then accidentally destroying the bodies by provoking the bad guy, Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes), into blowing up the building. Long story short, both Spartan and Phoenix get sentenced to lengthy stints in the new “California Cryo-Penitentiary”. Fast-forward to 2032 and the Los Angeles area is now a Pleasantville/1984-style hell paradise with zero crime, rat burgers and Dan Cortese playing piano at Taco Bell. It’s a real shitshow. Phoenix is thawed out for a parole hearing and promptly escapes, so thanks to being unable to deal with actual crime, the police also thaw out legendary crime fighter Spartan to help bring Phoenix to justice. It’s all just an elaborate excuse to have Stallone and Snipes beating the crap out of each other in the future…and it works because DEMOLITION MAN is fun from beginning to end.

Cheesy script, cheesy direction, campy dialogue, horrible subtitles on the DVD that are often incorrect, goofy prediction of what the future will be like, a brief Jack Black sighting, topless woman video calling the wrong number, a museum with functioning weapons, three seashells, ugly ass futuristic cars, a lot of dark coloured clothing, virtual sex, medium pace, mild violence, strong supporting cast, a disappointingly inconstant foul language counting machine, boring camerawork.

DEMOLITION MAN is very dated, but still a fun ride. Especially for fans of 1990's action movies. A good lazy afternoon time-waster. It might even be a good double-feature with the superior CLIFFHANGER, if you're in the mood for a little 1993-era Sylvester Stallone.

If you need me, I'll be in my room applying Baby Yoda Band-Aids to my battered butthole after an unfortunate seashell accident.