Wednesday, October 19, 2011

CHROMESKULL: LAID TO REST 2 (2011)

Starting immediately where Part 1 ends, a different actress with less impressive tits leaves the scene of the Chromeskull showdown. Once she leaves, a crack team of medical doctors rushes in, scoop up Chromeskull and take him back to their secret lair. While they're nursing him back to health, the head dude of this mysterious outfit tracks down and guts the Final Girl. Once Chromeskull is better and hears about this he gets all butthurt and breaks a mirror.  What a toughie. Soon though, he's got his sights on another Final Girl. He captures her and brings her back to his lair where he spends the rest of the movie chasing her around the generic, rundown warehouse. Yawn.

Despite the headache-inducing story and the obviously low budget, Part 2 actually is better than the original, but that's not saying much. The funny way a dog hunches his back when he shits is better than Part 1. If I could only change one thing about this movie, besides erasing it from existence, it would be to get a different main girl. This chick had zero personality and was completely forgettable. Why wouldn't you just put Danielle Harris in that role? Money, I guess.

Moderate gore, minimum blood, very quick female nudity, Danielle Harris completely wasted, low budget, needlessly confusing story, crappy looking sets, text messages, dumb ending and worst of all...Chromeskull still looks dumb as hell. Skip the fuck out of this turkey.

Part 1 - Laid to Rest (2009)

JURASSIC PARK (1993)

"I'm, I'm simply saying that life, uh... finds a way."

An eccentric billionaire hires some scientists to come check out his top secret (but soon to be open) island theme park. Once there, the scientists (Sam Neill, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum) are shown the top secret attraction: fucking dinosaurs! And lots of 'em. You got the tall ones with the long necks, the fat ones with the horns, the short ones with the legs and a T-Rex. Say again? We got a T-Rex. They also have Velociraptors. As exciting as all that sounds, it gets even more exciting when all the dinosaurs escape and start chasing the humans all over the joint. Eek!

Just like he did with JAWS and the first few Indiana Jones movies, Steven Spielberg creates an imaginary world filled with rich characters, visually attractive environments and action scenes are awesome!!! It's like reading an Robert McCammon novel. The action just piles up and piles up. It's rad.

I was fortunate enough to see JURASSIC PARK on the big screen a few weeks ago and I'd kinda forgotten how awesome this movie was. I had a lot of fun revisiting it and even though I knew how it was going to end I was still on the edge of my seat, especially during the raptor chase scenes. Holy fook. I was also really shocked at how well the special effects held up. JP is nearly 20 years old and the effects still look great.

If you've never seen JURASSIC PARK then I'm not even sure what to think, but you need to fix that shit as soon as possible.  Mandatory viewing for all movie lovers.

Part 2 - The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
Part 3 - Jurassic Park III (2001)
Part 4 - Jurassic World (2015)
Part 5 - Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
Part 6 - Jurassic World: Dominion (2021)